Have you taken a wander through Toys R Us lately?
Don't bother. It's a nightmare of plastic and batteries - and a great deal less entertaining given that you won't be finding any of these items on the shelves.
From phallic disasters to eyebrow-raising names, we're baffled as to how any of these made it through early design meetings, let alone ended up in the rooms of children. These are the most inappropriate children's toys of all time.
Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 broom
To the untrained eye, the Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 broom appears much like any other cheaply made piece of plastic film memorabilia. On closer inspection, you'll see that something is darkly amiss...
For unbeknown reasons, the Nimbus 2000 contained a vibrator unit built into the shaft of the handle. When kiddies mounted the broom, it would proceed to vibrate and emit sound effects akin to flying through the skies over Hogwarts. The Amazon page for the item quickly filled with a mix of outraged and humorous reviews: “I recently bought this for my son, Vantro. He’s a HUGE Harry Potter fan. Seen the movie 32 times (in the theaters) and made the paper. This toy gives him the ability to fly around the house zapping things. My only problem I see with the toy is the batteries drain too fast and his sister fights him over it, so now I need to buy her one.”
There's no innocence these days.
Playmobil tramp and policeman set
Ah yes, set 5504. Discontinued in 1992 after Playmobil reconsidered the design's suitability, the model included a bench, bottle-swigging tramp and slightly-Germanic officer of the law.
An early warning against the risks of an alcohol dependent lifestyle? Or just a toy designer sneaking through a "They'll never go with this" idea?
Batman water pistol
"Right lads, we've been commissioned to create a water pistol with the Batman licence!"
"A Bat pistol?! Great! Wait... that's how much they're paying us? Sod them."
Or something like that.
Back in 2001, Mattel partnered with Nabisco to create a range of Oreo Barbies, complete with biscuit-themed outfit. Unfortunately, no one at Mattel thought through the repercussions of issuing an African-American version of the doll: "Oreo" can be used as an offensive term for someone appearing "black on the outside, white on the inside".
They were pulled from shelves quicker than a cookie from a glass of milk.
The Super Soaker Oozinator
You can understand Super Soaker's logic on this one - creating a pistol that would require kids to purchase refill bottles to make the most of their next water fight. Their solution? The Oozinator, which fired a thick, white, glue-like substance.
For a better understanding of just how inappropriate the working model was, watch this video.
And you thought describing a Lego toy as a "windolicker" was bad?
The Toypedo - and pool toy - is a clear play on the word 'torpedo'. It's also an unwitting amalgamation of the words "toy" and "pedo", which is a touch too close to a phonetic shortening of the term paedophile.
In short - how the hell are they still being sold with this name?
The Punisher shape shifter doll
The Shape Shifter line of Marvel characters would, as the name suggests, alter their structure to reveal some hidden weapon or additional function.
Put it away, Punisher. You'll have someone's eye out.
Candy Shop frog
Now, there's nothing remotely offensive about the build of this rapping frog. His face is particularly beguiling.
Things only take a turn for the seedy when you listen to the song he dances along to... watch it here.