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The first sex doll brothel has opened and it raises a lot of interesting questions

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Gary Ogden
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Brothels aren’t exactly the nicest places on the planet – the cushions are always too hard, the sandwiches leave a lot to be desired and there’s always slime on the door handles. But the scariest, most soul-eatingly empty and dystopian brothel in the world has opened in Spain. It’s called Lumidolls and “lucky” customers are given hour-long sessions with girls in an apartment building (presumably like the one in The Raid) in Barcelona. So far, so seedy, but there’s one major difference.

The girls aren’t actually alive.

OK, rewind – it’s not that bad, because there aren’t actually any girls at all, they’re dolls. Realistic sex dolls made out of the world’s sexiest material, thermoplastic elastomer, and dressed to the customers’ specification. According to the website, the experience is promised to be “more pleasurable, exciting and erotic”. More than what? Presumably, more than having sex with precisely nothing, which is clearly a common trait shared between would-be punters.

A typical “sesh” will include greeting the receptionist and confirming your appointment while your life flashes before your eyes, before heading up to your room, which can be arranged to your liking. This includes the possibility of candlelight, ambient music (or death metal, which is probably more fitting) and a lovely pornographic movie to watch on a big plasma screen to get you in the mood (if a lifeless rubber carcass with unblinking eyes doesn’t quite do it for you at first).

You can also arrange to have your “date” in a specific pose and outfit for when you arrive. So if you’re doing this for your mate on a stag do as a joke, obviously have the doll standing with her arms crossed and dressed as his fiance. If it’s for you, we dunno, dress it up as Freddy Krueger or something – may as well go full-hog, nothing about this isn’t weird.

You can choose from four girls, all who have different physical attributes and “personalities” and are thoroughly cleaned before each visit. You’re still required to wear a condom though, just in case one of the dolls becomes pregnant – a brothel is not the place for a doll baby to grow up in.

Then, erm, you tearfully, regretfully, sweatlessly rut against one of its three “cavities” (oh god) and after about 10 minutes, vibrate to the world’s most depressing, listless climax ever witnessed by God, and most importantly, Satan. Then before you leave the room, you look back longingly to your bed partner, only to notice that its head has turned and is looking directly at you, staring with its black eyes, judging, possessed by the soul you once owned.

After that, you go home to your wife (or cat, more likely) and awkwardly ignore her at dinner, because regardless of what has just happened, your mind is full of slow-mo, soft-focus footage of you and “Aki” getting married on the beach in the Caribbean. Congratulations, you have completed How To Fall In Love With A Sex Doll And Destroy Your Marriage.

Saying all that, if you want to check it out, visit the website here. NSFW, obviously, unless your company policy allows you to only look at breasts made out of thermoplastic elastomer only. Ooooh, thermoplastic elastomer – say it again. Thermoplastic elastomer. God we’re horny.

Of course, the big question remains: is it cheating to have sex with a realistic sex doll? Or is just like a bit of an over-elaborate, you know, wank? The brothel do offer couple’s visits to remove that problem, which is perfect should you want to give your significant other the shittest Valentine’s Day present in history, but the majority of customers will be singletons. Have your say:

 

[Image: Rex]

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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