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The apocalypse will cost you at least £4,000 (and other things we learned this week)

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Gary Ogden
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The apocalypse will cost you at least £4,000 (and other things we learned this week)

(16/03/18)

Been a hefty week, hasn’t it? Lots of stuff happening, been all busy and everything - some of it’s been good, some bad, but you gotta roll with the punches, my neighbour. It’ll all be OK in the end.

But what have we actually learned from it all? What has this most hectic of weeks taught us? 

Well, the following things:

31 is going to be the most expensive year of your life, apols

Yep, one year after you hit your thirties, you’re gonna be throwing the most money into the air, only for precisely zero of it to come floating back down into your hands. Essentially, this is because, on average, this is the age where you start to do all those weird ‘adult’ things like buying a house (never heard of it), getting married (what is that) and having a baby (nope, no idea). According to a survey, you’ll chuck a total of £43,000 into the sun, which is, if we boil things down to the basics: shit.

Read more here.

If you want to survive the impending apocalypse, it’ll cost you a naughty £4,000

When the world ends, what do you eat? Your family members, presumably, because you have forgotten to stock up on beans, so it’s the weakest brother for dinner tonight, lads! However, if you’re a bit savvy about the whole doomsday thing, then Costco have you covered. They are currently selling a Nutristore 1-Year Premium Food Kit, which will last a family for a whole year, and all it costs is £4,330. A bargain, an absolute bargain, is that. The world is on fire, but at least you’ve got a lip-smacking can of beef-flavoured textured vegetable protein to get you through.

Read more here.

Shuri and Okoye will be returning in the Black Panther sequel, which is exciting, isn’t it

In news that will surprise precisely zero human beings, a Black Panther sequel has been given the greenlight. The first one has taken over $1 billion at the box office so far, so obviously Marvel are going to be wanting more of that sweet, sweet dough. And according to their big boss, Kevin Feige, we’ll be seeing the return of two of the best characters from the film: Shuri and Okoye. Good news all round, everybody, have a sweetie.

Read more here.

A 'Black Panther' sequel has been green-lit - here's what to expect

Black Panther, Black Panther, does whatever a Black Panther can

The Church of Scientology is launching its own TV channel, in case you’re bored of GOD TV

I presume it’ll all be Tom Cruise movies coupled with an obvious absence of Louis Theroux documentaries. And Battlefield Earth every day, twice.

Read more here.

It turns out that nobody is ‘completely straight’, even if you reckon you definitely are

A study found that there’s no such thing as being fully straight - when a load of people were shown different types of porn, they had much the same reaction to both (it’s all based on pupil-dilation, supposedly). Of course, these findings irked a load of mega-straight big boys on the internet, who had issue with being called gay, because they’re straight males and have NEVER been aroused by a man in their life. They don’t even like looking at men unless they have to in a business context.

Read more here.

The Room’s Tommy Wiseau has auditioned for The Joker, and it is a sight to behold, my chums

Tommy Wiseau wants to play The Joker - he always has. He wants to laugh and shout and cry and spin around, much like he did in The Room, but with some makeup on, I guess. I am fully behind this endeavour.

Watch here.

Watch Tommy Wiseau's extremely strange audition for The Joker

11/10, would watch

Eating pizza at work makes you more productive, thank god

Now you have an excuse. Now you finally have a reason to bring a big smelly pizza to your desk and rip it apart, big slabs of cheese and sausage slopping down onto the plate, splattering onto the keyboard, what a mess. You can do this now, because some researchers gave a load of people some pizza, and a load of people some nothing, and the pizza-people were more productive. This is science. Order some now.

Read more here.

You can now 3D-print your unborn foetus, for some reason

If this sounds like the kind of thing you might want to do, then go ahead - it’s possible now. I’m not keen on coming round your house any time soon, but I’m not your boss, or your dad, so I can’t stop you - knock yourself out.

Read more here but don’t watch the video, please.

Laura Dern couldn’t stop going “pew-pew” every time she shot her gun in Star Wars: The Last Jedi, which I am in love with

Director Rian Johnson revealed that she involuntarily did it every time she shot her gun, so they had to mute her - a couple of visible mouth movements made it through though, and they are brilliant. I would happily usher in a new age in which the Screen Actors Guild enforces a rule by which every member must say “pew” whenever they fire a gun in a movie. It would make all movies - and I don’t say this lightly - 1% better.

Read more here.

Laura Dern couldn't fire her gun in 'Star Wars' without saying 'pew'

pew pew pew pew pew pew pew GOOSE

Trump wants to fight aliens in space, or something, I don’t know, I’m so tired

*sigh* Donald Trump is doing something again, everybody, and this time he is saying things like:

“We should have a new force called the Space Force. It’s like the Army and the Navy, but for space, because we’re spending a lot of money on space.”

Not to get political or anything with this, but: fucking hell.

Read more here.

Copper pennies might soon be obsolete, which pleases me, for I hate them

Nobody really uses 1p or 2p coins anymore, unless they are at an arcade machine in Great Yarmouth, so the government might be getting rid of them. A review will be put into their usage and if they’re deemed the stupid discs of nonsense that they actually truly are, then they’ll be abolished, and I can finally relax.

Read more here.

A man in America has a Nerf gun instead of an arm, and I have never been more jealous

You know in Evil Dead II where Ash gets his hand chopped off so he attaches a chainsaw to it and then has a chainsaw for an arm, instead of an arm for an arm? Yeah, you know that? Well, this is that, but instead of a chainsaw, it’s a Nerf gun.

Read more here, and then grow green with envy, for you do not have a Nerf gun for an arm, and you are inferior.

Scientists replaced a man's prosthetic arm with a Nerf gun, so there

pew pew pew pew pew pew pew GOOSE etc etc etc

A man went to space and came back WITH DIFFERENT DNA, so I guess we’re all dead now

Have you seen Annihilation yet? It’s a sci-fi movie about DNA mutations, and it’s great. Notice I said ‘sci-fi’ there? That stands for ‘science-fiction’, meaning it’s not real. The mutating DNA monsters are not real.

Oh wait, yes they are, because an astronaut called Scott Kelly went to space for a year, and when he came back, his DNA was different. They compared it to his twin brother, who didn’t go to space, and it turned out there was a 7% change. I think the conclusion we can draw from this is: do not trust this man, he is an alien, he will destroy us all.

Read more here.

Danny Boyle is going to be directing the next James Bond film

Old Daniel Craig’s only got one more Bond left in him, and it’s down to Danny Boyle (he did that film about that beach and also that one about that heroin) to make sure he bows out on a high. We’re a while away from the finished version, but it’s currently being written, so expect things to shift gear imminently. Fingers crossed for a scene where Bond has to crawl down the worst toilet in Scotland to retrieve two opium suppositories. Fingers absolutely crossed.

Read more here.

The greatest article ever is on the internet and you can read it

Every single part of this article is quotable gold and I love it, I love it so much.

Read it here.

See ya next week, bozos!

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the screaming thing though. @garyblogden

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