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The 23 weirdest things we’ll need to explain to Tim Peake when he gets home

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Chris Sayer
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In space, nobody can hear you scream. Or question why Jamie Vardy’s suddenly got a twin.

This is exactly why, when British astronaut Tim Peake lands back on Earth tomorrow at approximately 10am, he’s going to need bringing right up to speed. Put simply, a lot of bizarre stuff has happened down here since our little space cadet rocketed into the galaxy six months ago. 

From the death of pretty much every famous person ever, to the meteoric rise of an American mom in a Chewbacca mask, this right here is his personal shotgun guide to everything that might be causing our homecoming hero to scratch his head as he readjusts to life on Earth.

Tim, welcome back. We’ve got a lot of explaining to do…

The cast from FRIENDS are doing everything except the one thing we want them to do

No, you don't need to adjust your TV screen, Tim. That is Ross from FRIENDS, doing exactly what Ross from FRIENDS always does, but this time in the guise of OJ Simpson sympathiser and reality TV star-spawner Rob Kardashian in The People Vs OJ Simpson: American Crime Story. It was very good, you should watch it. We can't exactly say the same for Joey from FRIENDS' new gig presenting the new Top Gear show, though. You've got Amazon Prime right, Tim? Good...

Someone proved that not all footballer's are useless at interviews

Hey, Tim, just watch this. It's amazing. 

Everyone on Tinder is now a dog

As a married father of two, this might not concern you directly. All you need to know is that Snapchat's new filters have ruined dating for everyone. 

Jeff Goldblum saved Christmas

While you were up there gnawing at your space turkey and pulling your space crackers, we were down here worshipping these Jeff Goldblum adverts. So good. SO good. 

Everyone is dead

Er, don't quite know how to break this one to you, Tim. Think of a famous person, and chances are, they're, well, they're dead Tim. All of 'em. They're ALL DEAD. No more Bowie. No more Prince. No more Ali. No more Lemmy. All of 'em, gone. Yeah, it's really sucked being down here on Earth lately. You were better off up there, tbh. 

You've got nowhere to buy your cushions now

BHS is dead, too. IS NOTHING SACRED?

Justin Bieber's a heavy metal rock god now

At least, according to the merch line he brought out recently. Nicking fonts and classic designs from iconic metal bands, Beebs' tees unsurprisingly sold out in seconds. Not only is he a heavy metal monster now, but he's a brutal street fighter, too. See? Yeah, he's done a lot of growing up since you've been gone. 

Harry Potter's been farting a lot

Wee Danny Radcliffe is all grown up too. Grown up so much, in fact, that he's already lost full control of his bowels. Here he is, trumping like a trooper in the trailer for the absolutely bonkers up-coming Swiss Army Man. 

Steven Avery is still in prison

Mad, isn't it. That's not to say nothing's happened since he got banged up - loads of developments have taken place. Check 'em all out here, and you'll be right up to speed. 

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Indie made a totally unexpected comeback

It felt like 2002 all over again for a couple of days in April, when the #indieamnesty took over our Twitter feeds. People confessing their indie sins unto the social media world left, right, and centre. These were the best of the bunch. 

Trump might actually be the first horseman of the apocalypse

We were still at "haha LOL it couldn't really happen, could it" stage when you blasted off. Now, we're genuinely looking at Trump making it all the way to the Big Chair in the White House. Yeah, we have no idea how it happened either. 

An American mom in a Chewbacca mask is our new dark overlord

Bow down, Tim. She's in charge, now. 

Bob Geldof engaged in naval warfare with Nigel Farage

Things got bizarre in London when, in a peculiar bid to drum up Brexit support, Nigel Farage steamed his way up the Thames with a floatila of VOTE LEAVE boats. And then Geldof's navy sped upstream to meet him head-on. This is the sort of stuff you only see when you've eaten out-of-date chicken, but no, it really happened. In real life. Actually. Seriously. 

Nike make movies now

This new advert of theirs is better than 99% of the films you'll see this year. No question. 

Yes, everyone is dressing like Tom Selleck this summer

Two words - Cuban collar. You're going to want to grab a couple if you want to look fresh this summer. 

Alligators suddenly got ENORMOUS

There's been a recent spate of whopping great gators. Probably nothing compared to the squid-like alien monsters you've been battling up there (hush hush right, Tim?), but we've had this golf course-treading beast, and another 15ft 800lb monster caught and killed in Florida. Jeez. 

Nobody can cook their dinner any more

Dreaming of a home-cooked dinner, Tim? Looking forward to tucking into your wife's special spaghetti bolognese as soon as you got home, huh? You're going to be waiting a very, veeery long time. Those maniacs at the BBC have deleted 11,000 recipes from the web. We're really hungry. All of us. 

Obama gives zero f*cks any more

Now that the end is in sight for Obama, he's essentially like a kid on the last day of school. He's dropping his mic all over the shop, making silly little videos with his mates, and doing stuff like this Kimmel skit. 

Jeremy Corbyn is a major authority on kebabs

Oh, our politicians have been behaving just as strangely, too. The current Labour leader presented an award at this year's British Kebab Awards. There's literally nothing we can do to make that sentence more strange. Moving on...

They weren't joking about the sequels to TMNT and Pacific Rim

Steer clear of the cinema for a bit, perhaps. 

The maddest selfie of 2016 wasn't even a selfie

HEY, EVERYONE, IT'S ONLY A SELFIE IF YOU TAKE IT YOURSELF. THE CLUE IS IN THE NAME. Sorry Tim, we needed to get that off our chest. Anyway, some guy hijacked a plane back in March, and thankfully it all ended peacefully. But not before this British guy took a 'selfie' (not a selfie) with the hijacker. We don't know what we'd do in a hostage situation, but we like to think it's not this. Then again... the likes would be pretty decent. 

Leicester City's Jamie Vardy has been cloned

... and we hung out with his doppleganger here. It was really weird. 

Leicester City Football Club in general

They only bloody won the Premier League, didn't they! You're going to hear the numbers '5000-1' a lot now that you're back. Prepare yourself for that. Oh, and we've all got these tattoos on our backs now, Tim. You'll probably want to get your session booked in soon so you don't feel left out. 

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Chris Sayer

Chris Sayer is a freelance journalist and editor based in London. Chris has interviewed some of the biggest names in entertainment and travelled the world doing an all manner of adventures for lots of brilliant magazines. He writes for Shortlist about booze but would probably prefer we let him write about fishing instead. Follow Chris on Twitter: @ChrisSayer00

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