What is it about the tube?
A marvellous feat of engineering envied the world over - and yet - for all the brilliance associated with this mode of transport, it is regularly ruined by the people who use it: those terrible passengers we all know and hate.
Not murderers as such, or thieves, we mean the ones who tend to get a free pass, able to annoy us with passive-aggressive actions on a daily basis.
So, without further ado, here are who we deem the 20 worst types of passengers on the tube.
[Images: Getty, Rex, Shutterstock, Twitter]
The ones who don’t control their excitable kids
We’re not saying being a parent is easy (though Kerry Katona did once win a mum of the year of the year award, so it’s debatable) but allowing little Tarquin to repeatedly kick a stranger’s shins and clamber over adjacent seats because he’s had too many Skittles borders on indolent. You had one job and you failed.
The one who eats a McDonald’s breakfast
It doesn't matter how hungover you are, nothing excuses you gorging on a greasy Maccy's bap during morning rush hour and forcing the rest of the carriage to silently sit though that pungent smog of fat, cheese and sugar.
The tourists who think it is okay to walk between carriages like Bond
This may be all well and fine on the metro systems of other major world cities but not here – only 007 is permitted to do so (see Skyfall) and we bet even he felt like a plonker.
The ones who play awful music so loud they don't even need headphones
We don’t know what’s worse. The fact there’s a man dressed in a suit playing a Gatecrasher Club Anthems mix at 8.20am and wishing they were still in Pacha, or the fact WE CAN ALL HEAR IT.
The one who takes the shortcut down the ‘no exit’ route
Constantly looking at the floor as you enter that minefield of stray shoulders and elbows? Your look of shame as you slink past that oncoming group of commuters says it all – you’re a cheat, the Lance Armstrong of the Underground.
The one who doesn’t let go of the handrail when the doors open
It’s the Central Line at Oxford Circus, not a tornado-ravaged barn from Twister. You won’t blow away so let go of the handle. People need to get off.
The PDA couple
Snogging on public transport is a lot like eating a Pot Noodle. It’s great if you’re doing it but nobody else wants to see it. So keep it quick, and please don’t proceed to eat your date’s face off while some poor bugger has to sit in front of you forced by you to spend their journey staring down at their own shoes.
There’s a special place in hell reserved for these guys. They’ll probably queue jump that line as well.
The ones who sharpen their elbows
Ok, Marouane Fellaini, settle down - we’ve little room to stand in and are just trying to reach the handrail, not get caught up in arm-to-arm combat. As for those people angry at the world who like to nudge strangers with their shoulders as they pass between platforms, you’re a wrong’un too.
The weekend golfer
It's one thing to brave the tube on a weekend and have to put up with tourists but another to have someone lugging a giant set of clubs about. Pub golfers are fine. Real golfers are not.
The ones that fall asleep on you
You want to wake them up, you really do, but you also can’t help wanting them to wake up in a dark tube carriage at the end of the line.
The extremely loud tutter
There's always one. First comes the disbelieving shake of the head, then some muttering under the breath, which we all know is the precursor to the tut. A loud tut to all within earshot, doubtlessly hoping the sound of this uniquely British indignation will work its way down the cavernous tunnels, eventually echoing into the ears of the person taken ill at the next station, who’ll immediately spring into life like Lazarus on account of not wanting to ruin the tutting person's very important journey.
There is a time and place for spreading your legs that much. And last time we checked, tube carriages didn’t operate inside hospital delivery rooms or Vietnamese gentlemen’s clubs.
The ‘CAN YOU MOVE DOWN PLEASE” person
We’re not criticising the people who say this - the role of shepherding passengers further down into the centre of the carriage is actually a fairly important role, and brave too. No, we just mean the ones who say it so loudly that the ‘please’ is automatically redundant, and there's no coincidence that the answer is usually ‘no’. The less space available the angrier they get.
The ones on their way to Infernos after a post-office boozing session
Ditching the tie in the side pocket. Undoing the top bottom. Drunkenly going on about what an epic night they’re going to have – which we all know will culminate with someone called Henry being sick on themselves because he didn’t have his dinner.
The one who moves house via the Tube
Transporting unwieldy goods like garden trimmers and roller chairs up and down tube stations is actually pretty impressive. On the one hand you have to applaud this bunch of amateur removal men. On the other hand, however, you have to tell them off for being utter, utter bellends when they come flying straight into you.
The ones who want everyone to join in with the football chats
Oh great, you think, lairy football fans singing about their club. Oh no, even worse, they’re demanding people join in, obviously aggrieved that the entire carriage doesn’t erupt in unison for that chant about their top scorer.
The ones who wait until the last second before reaching for their oyster card
Where do you think this is, the O.K. Corral? You needn’t wait until the last second before drawing your Oyster card from your bag or jeans. You bring shame to the Oyster fraternity.
The ones who stand on the left of the escalators
When you hear us say ‘excuse me’ we actually mean to say ‘Who the hell do you think you are'?
People who put up their umbrella inside the station
Opening umbrellas inside really is bad luck. Just ask the unfortunate souls to have an eye prodded at when a person opens their brolly before they've even waddled out of the station. And while we're on the subject, why hold it so low, posing a danger to everyone. We're not in Mario Land, rain clouds aren't 10ft high.
AND FINALLY, ONE AN ANONYMOUS SHORTLIST STAFFER REALLY HAS A GRIPE WITH
“PEOPLE WHO ARRIVE ON THE PLATFORM ONLY TO STAND IN FRONT OF THE PLATFORM ENTRANCE, MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR PEOPLE TO MOVE DOWN THE PLATFORM AND GENERALLY MAKING ME QUESTION WHY I LIVE IN LONDON. THEY’RE USUALLY TOURISTS WHO ARE ALL LIKE, “Where are we going next?” I DON’T FUCKING KNOW, BUT THERE ARE 200 PEOPLE BEHIND YOU WHO WANT TO GET ON THE NEXT TRAIN, YOU TIT.”