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Terrifying boss introduces the ‘Snowflake Test’ to stop ‘whiny millennials’ getting jobs

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Gary Ogden
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Terrifying boss introduces the ‘Snowflake Test' to beat ‘Whiny Millennials’

Job interviews are horrible, if you ask me. Sitting there in a silent room, getting grilled on your ‘weaknesses’ and even though you went immediately prior to it, still desperately needing the toilet all the way through - no thanks. Besides, I don’t have any weaknesses, so I always fail at that question.

But none of the job interviews I’ve ever had, have come close to the bullshit that is spouted during one of Kyle Reyes’ one-on-ones. Reyes, who is CEO of Silent Partner Marketing (which is, yes, the creepiest name for a company in existence), has created the ‘Snowflake Test’, which he is using to weed out ‘whiny millennials’, supposedly. Basically, he’s got beef with people getting ‘easily offended’ once they’re hired, so he devised this net to sift out his ideal candidates.

He told Fox News:  “We use the test to weed out the sort of people who were inundating us with resumes and didn’t even know what we did.”

Questions on the so-called ‘test’ include:

 “When was the last time you cried and why?”

“What does American mean to you?”

And presumably:

“Is this the dumbest job interview you’ve ever attended?”

Annoyingly though, this seems to have worked out for Reyes, as he’s since been inundated with people applying (apparently 15,000 emails and 7,500 applications) since posting an obnoxious video on YouTube, that predictably went viral. Here’s a clip, plus an interview with the megalomaniac himself:

Yeah, cool! Really want to go and work for him after watching that video! Sign me up!

Seriously though, the kind of person that says:

“You’re young, you’re ignorant, you’re brainwashed by liberal professors who didn’t tell you that in the real world, the only ‘safe space’ is in your parents’ basement.

“So you young activists, you champions of character, you eighth place trophy holders…” etc. etc. etc. - in my opinion, does noooot seem like the type of boss I want. Just look at those two employees - they’re shitting themselves. I shit on my own terms, thank you very much.

Despite the look of fear and confusion in his employees eyes, Kyle insists that this Snowflake Test doesn’t go against any discrimination laws - he calls it a “glorified personality test”. It’s a shame really, because he’ll be losing a couple of good candidates, just because they cried at the wrong thing. 

I wept like a newborn child at First Dates the other day, and I would smash his company a new one, I’m a big dog player, and you better wake up and smell the custard, baby, this cheese is the gonna turn this company around, punt those targets out the goddamn park, hombre, watch and learn, neighborinos, watch and learn.

(Image: Fox)

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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