Ah, Christmas, such a wonderful time of year, when that big man in the red suit with the fluffy beard comes down your chimney and eats your mince pies and drinks your sherry and then leaves you lots of lovely presents to open in the morning. What a beautiful season!
But no, it’s not, is it, because Santa is dead. The man - who, even if he was alive, would be too rat-arsed to get the right presents to the correct houses, let alone drive a flying sleigh across the country - is dead and fake.
I urge us to quit the entire charade - this dubious, creepy and entirely unwelcome man, this phantom, breaking into our houses and bribing our children - it’s 2017, let’s be rid of him. Let’s set the kids bang-to-rights as soon as they’re old enough to understand words - Santa is a fucking lie, and therefore, dead.
But as it is, many people still insist on instilling the notion of the rotund intruder, thereby skewing and stunting our children’s understanding of physics and biology - setting them back years. It’s entirely irresponsible - the youngsters need to learn.
Which is why I’m very happy to report that there is at least one man doing righteous work in this tinsel-strewn hellscape. And he works in a Basingstoke Sports Direct.
Just last Saturday, Lucy Blake posted a concerned complaint (which has since been deleted) on the Sports Direct Facebook page, claiming that an employee told her eight-year-old son that Santa Claus was ‘dead and buried’. The cashier informed the boy that, in fact, Santa was dead, and when challenged, responded: “Yes he is, don’t you know your history?”
He was once again thrown a knock-back by the boy’s father, so he upped his game by adding that he even knew where his bones were buried. Sterling batsmanship.
Lucy was outraged by this truther, and told Sports Direct: “I have already caught him Googling ‘is Santa dead’, my heart skipped a beat at the thought of what he was about to come across Googling things like that.”
Here’s the full tale, for those of you fond of ‘finer details’:
I mean, sure, you should probably refrain from telling other people’s kids that Santa is dust, but I get where he’s coming from and I share the sentiment. Or should I say sediment? QUIP!
Either way, and before the post was deleted, many commenters rushed to declare their sympathy, but Sports Direct duly wiped any evidence of that from the face of this Santa-less earth. Father Christmas doesn’t exist, and if you ever see a large bearded man that isn’t your dad (or at least your uncle) in your living room, then call the police (actually, even if it is your uncle).
Don’t whatever you do, give him a glass of sherry - that’ll only make things worse.