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This massive spider is here to make you wish you didn’t live on this planet

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Dave Fawbert
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Right, that’s it. That’s it for me and this planet.

I don’t like spiders. It’s an instinctive thing. It’s not their fault, they do their thing, I do mine. They freak me out, the way they move, everything about them. But over the years, we’ve reached a truce, me and the spiders. As long as they’re not bothering me directly, I let them get on with it. Live and let live. I do a favour for them, maybe they’ll do one for me. Good karma. We stay out of each other’s way. Each to their own.

But not this. Not this utter, evil, unacceptable aberration of nature. Not this total bastard.

This is a photo of a huntsman spider that exists, today, at the same time as you.

Jesus Christ.

I mean just what is this.

And where was this photo taken? Oh yes, of course it’s Australia.

The photo was taken by Lauren Ansell from Mount Coolum in Queensland when the spider appeared on the outside of the window while her partner was attempting to cook dinner.

'My partner was on the outside trying to cook our food. We didn't want to kill it, but it didn't like us for trying to move it along,' she told Daily Mail Australia.

'It's still alive and happy. I nicknamed it Aragog.'

THEY GAVE IT A NICKNAME. THAT WASN’T ‘SPAWN OF SATAN’.

After the photo was taken, the spider moved from the window.

'It's in the garden and we haven't seen it since,' she said. 'It's massive and was mean, but it's alive and we didn't want to kill it.'

I don’t want to overreact here, but – just to be on the safe side – can we immediately launch some nukes and just take out Australia. Would we really miss it? Half of them are in Earl’s Court anyway, it wouldn’t affect their population too much. And we’d have a better chance in the Ashes this winter.

But mostly, it would ensure that this thing, which one hundred per cent deserves to die, does die. The truce is over, sorry guys.

(Images: Lauren Ansell/iStock)

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Dave Fawbert

ShortList.com staff writer Dave’s primary passions are pop, prose, punning and power ballads (and alliteration). A lower division football enthusiast and long-suffering cricket fan, he is one of only 110 people followed on Twitter by Chas Hodges from Chas ‘n’ Dave. Follow Dave on Twitter like Chas: @davefawbert

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