People love long walks on the beach, don’t they? It says so on Tinder. So what happens if you’re having a lovely long walk on the beach, hand in hand with the one you love, fingers intertwined in a loving, unbreakable embrace, sand between your toes, wind in your hair, looking each other in the eyes - wow, this is true love, I’ve never felt more content - when
OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT IS THAT GIGANTIC HELL SLUG FROM THE DEPTHS OF HADES SHIT I THINK MY FOOT TOUCHED IT AM I GOING TO DIE NOW I’M SO SORRY BUT I’M GOING TO HAVE TO PUSH YOU INTO IT I AM SACRIFICING YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
What happens then? What happens when you spot a literal, genuine, 100% authentic sea monster?
Well, you take a picture of it. And I’ve got one, taken in Texas in the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey. Seriously, you better buy yourself a dreamcatcher because this giant piece of shit is going to pound a thousand nightmares into your psyche, no mistake. Here we go:
WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHA-
I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT
Yeah, so, week ruined. But what the hecking hell is it? Well, the unfortunate beachgoer to find it, Preeti Desai (who noticed it washed up after Hurrican Harvey), asked the fountain of knowledge that is Twitter for their opinions:
And annoyingly she received a logical answer, because I was sure this was a death-toothed space-slug from beyond. Adam Summers, a professor at the University of Washington and the School of Aquatic and Fisheries Sciences, noticed that the beached monster was able to be identified because of the “remnant of skin coloration, the body and head shape, the teeth and the shape of the jaw.”
He then spoke to ultimate space-denying killjoy Ben Frable, of U.C. San Diego Scripps Institution of Oceanography, and outed him as the man who finally ruined everyone’s fun, and revealed the demon to be a fangtooth snake-eel. An actually real creature that can be found in the western Atlantic ocean, in waters between 30 and 90 metres deep. It can also reach 33 inches in length, which is horrendous, I think you can agree. Imagine having a bath with that.
Biologist and eel specialist Dr Kenneth Tighe reckoned that Frable is right, but that it could also be a garden or conger eel. He says:
“All three of these species occur off Texas and have large fang-like teeth.”
I mean, yeah, it sure could be a fangtooth snake-eel, but it could also be from space. And I reckon it’s from space. It’s from space.