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Scientists want you to start wanking at work now

Posted by
Emily Reynolds
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Things you should do at work: answer emails. Make everyone cups of tea when it’s your turn. Do… your work? I dunno: it depends what your job is, doesn’t it. But whatever it is you’re not actually doing properly right now because you’re reading this article, I can pretty safely say that there’s one thing you definitely SHOULDN’T be doing: wanking.

Seems like an easy, obvious truth doesn’t it: don’t wank at work. There is pretty much no need to wank at work. Unless you have to give a sperm sample or whatever – in which case you should probably just book a day off or something? Get up early and crack one out before you get to work? Wait until you’ve finished? Just don’t… wank… at work?

Anyway, turns out you should be ignoring this advice, according to psychologists from Nottingham Trent University. 

They told the Metro that wanking at work was “very effective”, was a “great way to relieve tension”, and that it might be a good way to motivate yourself through the working day. 

Life coach Cliff Arnall also said that a masturbation policy would result in “more focus, less aggression, higher productivity, and more smiling”, though notes that a pressure to come during your lunch break (?!?!?!) might mean you can’t come (?!!??!). 

And fantasising about a colleague – which is really fucking creepy, by the way – is likely to “result in cognitive impairment”, so Arnall suggests that you shouldn’t do it. 

Anyway: science is fake and you should not wank at work, and that’s our final word on the matter.