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A stupid robot attempted to name colours and the results are absolutely hilarious

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Gary Ogden
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I often wake up in the middle of the night, screeching incomprehensible things about robots:

“ONE DAY THEY WILL TAKE US ALL”

“THE TAKEOVER HAS BEGUN”

“I AM A ROBOT I AM A ROBOT I AM A ROBOT”

etc.

The reason I do this is because I am fully convinced that they will one day take over the world and turn humans into their slaves/batteries/sex dolls. However, my intense, sweaty fear has subsided somewhat today, upon discovering the results of a neural network that attempted to create new colours and then name them.

Pretty simple for a human to do – mix some nice colours together and then call it something wistful like morning chorus or horizontal caress. But what Janelle Shane – a scientist – has done, is attempted to train a neural network (like Skynet or something) to create a bunch of new colours and then name them correctly.

Turns out we don’t have much to worry about, guys, because this robot fucked it up massively – it can’t even recognise red, let alone farm an entire country’s worth of humans.

Reading her blog, I obviously did not understand what in the name of living Pete she was on about, but I did understand that the names the network came up with were extremely hilarious. You can check the full list here, but these are the funniest:

“Oh my god there’s a grass bat in the garden!”

“Uh oh it’s just laid a stanky bean in the chrysanthemums.”

“Have you sindis poop?”

“Turdly.”

“How was Austria, Sand Dan?”

“It was great thanks, I had a snowbonk with a stargoon.”

“Did you sink?”

“No, but I got a bank butt.”

“Oh Sand Dan, you grade bat.”

“Woss White, are you weady?”

“I am, I’m so excited I’ve got a bit of a porchtingle gray going on downstairs.”

“Good. Please let me introduce you to Queen Slime.”

“Cor, look at the poser cans on her!”

“So what seems to be the problem?”

“Well doctor, so I’m a bit of a shy bather, and I was in the polar forest ma pepper-”

“Please don’t call me pepper.”

“Sorry. Anyway, I was about to get into the windled waters when I was startled by a clay cow and I slipped and banged my, you know. Basically I had a bit of a bleedwood situation going on. And now it still feels like a spiced rope.”

“Any other problems?”

“Erm, every time I get my flipper out, nothing comes out but dry custard.”

“A sting gray got me in my drimple.”

“How are you feeling now?”

“I’ve got a bit of a rose colon, to be honest.”

“Any other side effects?”

“Well, obviously farty red, which leads to copper panty.”

“Of course.”

“It’s gross. It’s basically mown poupe. It looks like stamped candy.”

“Is it more primple brown or dorky brown?”

“It’s stoned blue!”

“Jesus, you better rub some bull cream on your sandbork immediately!”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No worries son, you are a blue child.”

(Images: http://lewisandquark.tumblr.com)

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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