If you’re going to steal something, particularly if you are an actual policeman, then you had better come up with a good excuse to stop you getting caught. Like, if you nick a bunch of weed (and by ‘bunch’, I mean half a goddamn tonne of it), then maybe blame it on criminals or something, not, you know, mice. Don’t blame it on mice.
But hey, sometimes people think things are good when actually they are bad. Like eight Argentinian police officers who decided to teef a whole load of impounded marijuana from a warehouse in Pilar, 60km outside the capital city of Buenos Aires. The store had housed 6,000 kilos for two years, but a recent stock-check turned up only 5,460 kilos - that’s a rather hefty amount of weed unaccounted for.
So what did police commissioner Javier Specia and his cop buddies say? Well:
Judge: “Where is the weed? Do you know where the weed is?”
Javier Specia: “Yes I mean no.”
Judge: “Where is it?”
Javier Specia: “The mice took it.”
Javier Specia: “The mice, they stole it from us.”
Javier Specia: “Yeah mice, loads of mice took all the weed, sir. They nicked all the weed and smok- I mean ate it.”
Judge: “A million years in prison for you.”
Of course, this is the most stupendous excuse in the history of ridiculous get-out-clauses, so was absolutely not bought in any way, shape or form. A spokesperson for the judge said:
“Buenos Aires University experts have explained that mice wouldn’t mistake the drug for food, and that if a large group of mice had eaten it, a lot of corpses would have been found in the warehouse.”
Obviously you would - everyone knows mice are lightweights and would’ve pulled a group whitey all over the shop. At least pick a big animal like an elephant or something - particularly as they also have nice long tongues to reach all the top shelf weed.
Suspicion had fallen on the city’s former police commissioner Javier Specia, who had left the inventory for the impounded marijuana unsigned when he left his job in April 2017.
His replacement, commissioner Emilio Portero, noticed the discrepancy and informed the force’s internal affairs division, who then inspected the warehouse.
Anyway, the police will be seeing the judge once more on 4 May, where a judge will seek to discover whether the missing marijuana is the result of “expedience or negligence” - and where maybe they’ll try a different excuse:
“Mouse? I said SPOUSE - my wife took it. A million years in prison for her.”