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We regret to inform you that people are now contouring their penises

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Gary Ogden
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Contouring is a thing that celebrities like Kim Kardashian like to do – it involves putting different shades of make-up on your face and blending it all in to give the illusion that the shape of your face has changed. It’s a lot of effort (or so I’ve heard) but it can create quite astonishing results:

It’s meant for your face, obviously, but recently more and more people are trying it on other parts of the body. Women have discovered boob contouring, while some men are using contouring to create the illusion of having abs, which is a lot less work than busting a gut down the gym every day, but we’re still not sold on it.

Anyway, we regret to inform you that – we’re really sorry – penis contouring now exists. People are contouring their penises.

I mean, you could always have contoured your dick if you’d wanted, but now it’s “a thing”, a thing that is being spoken about on the internet by real human beings. One of these people is YouTube attention seeker Jeffree Star, who admitted to fellow YouTube attention seeker Shane Dawson that yeah, he contours his winker. Skip to about 11.40 in the video below to hear (and watch, if you like) his admission:

So far, so “yeah, I contour my shaft a lot”, but I bet you’re wondering how to do it. How do you transform your slug of a penis into a beautiful snake?

Well, The Metro spoke to makeup artist Hannah Sorcha to ask for some tips. Are you ready? Hope you’re writing this down. Hannah says:

“I’d start by using getting a contour palette and using a darker (probably more ashy tone) along the side of the shaft to create a bit of definition and the illusion of more length.

“From here we can go to just below the bellend, if we create a shadow under there it can, once again, create the illusion of a bigger bellend.

“When it comes to highlighting, we would need to work out where the light would naturally fall on the shaft – which would be the line down the middle.

“This opens up the space making it look bigger!”

So, dark along the sides and under the helmet, then light on top down the middle. Hey presto! You’ve got such a nice penis!

This all seems a bit redundant to me though – what’s the point of spending ages applying make up to your broom when as soon as you’re about to get naked, you immediately turn all the lights off? Nobody is going to see it. Unless you get it out in WHSmith or something, but if you’re doing that then contouring is going to be the least of your problems.

(Image: iStock)

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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