Why does Bill Murray have no friends?

Posted by
Tristan Cross

Bill Murray will be bartending in a Brooklyn bar this weekend. That’s right, if you just nip on over to America and turn up at 21 Greenpoint, you could be served by Bill ‘Freaking’ Murray.

“Bill Murray?!” You say, spitting hot tea all down your Ghostbusters boilersuit, and somehow upwards, onto your red Steve Zissou beanie. “Bill Freaking Murray? The main Ghostbuster in Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters 2, the gopher killer in Caddyshack, the contemptuous weatherman in Groundhog Day, the hotel guest in Lost In Translation and the ubiquitous thousand-mile-stare sighing glum man in every Wes Anderson film? Is going to be bartending?! Even though he surely has better things to do? Simply epic… and totally awesome!”

This isn’t the first time Bill Murray has shown his down-to-earth side and his wacky sense of fun, nor even turned his hand to bartending. Why, here he is at SXSW serving tequila with Wu Tang Clan! There there’s that time he played kickball with a group of strangers

You might even remember Bill Murray from your own anecdotes. Remember the time Bill Murray turned up at your school leavers' ceremony and threw an egg at your headteacher? Or when Bill Murray walked into your house, snatched your Xbox controller off you and completed GTA San Andreas? Or when Bill Murray turned up at your village fete and went on the bouncy castle until he had to be forcibly removed because he was making the toddlers throw up? Or when Bill Murray arrived at your nan’s wake on a quad bike – even though you were pretty sure they never met – then proceeded to cane the free bar, hired a PA system, sang Wonderful Christmas Time three times in a row, lead a conga line, eventually keeled over backwards onto the table with all the wreathes, then had to be taken to hospital, though kindly posed for selfies with you and your dad in the back of the ambulance?

Why does Bill Murray, a multi-millionaire with the profile and bank balance to do anything he could conceivably want to with his free time, turn up at so many strangers’ gatherings? And why does Bill Murray, a beloved actor whose several-decade-spanning career means he probably knows everyone who's anyone, love interacting with the unimpressive general public so much? And why does Bill Murray, a 65-year-old man, go to student house parties and do the dishes?

There are three conceivable explanations:

1. Bill Murray is just freaking awesome

This is the most widely accepted theory. Bill Murray cavorts about because he wants to, because he just doesn’t give a fuck. Bill Murray is your favourite Bill Murray character from your favourite Bill Murray movie away from the cameras; endlessly charming and disarming, the fun loving Peter Pan-man with a carefree feel for living life. To Bill Murray, ageing is but an inconvenience to his partyboy lifestyle and not the end of it.

Bill Murray listens to you opine about ‘acting your age’ and then shoots you in the nuts with a nerf gun. Bill Murray doesn’t care whether you’re an Academy Award winner or a raffle loser, because to Bill Murray, a person’s celebrity status is an entirely superfluous and unimportant reason to spend time with them. Though everyone looks up to Bill Murray, Bill Murray never looks down on anyone.

Bill Murray is every man’s everyman. Bill Murray wakes up every day and doesn't feel constrained to what he should do, Bill Murray just does what he feels. Bill Murray is living the life we all dream we could, and think we would, if we were famous. You wish you were Bill Murray.

But hold on to that wish just a second before you toss it into the fountain. Imagine being Bill Murray. Imagine having the choice between going to, say, your actual friend's house, or out for a meal, or the pub, or just doing nothing at all; and instead willingly deciding to spend an afternoon with an ever-growing crowd of people you’ve never met fawningly telling you how much they love you.

“An adoring mass telling me they love me sounds pretty good actually…” But what if that adoring mass just shouted the same lines from Ghostbusters you’ve been hearing every day for the last thirty years in your ear? What if you knew anything you said or did would end up documented on a website? What if, every time you just wanted to get smashed and make a fool of yourself, you were pointedly aware this wouldn’t remain a private indiscretion, that your dignity would be coaxed out of you by an audience of strangers clapping as if you were a toddler taking their first steps?

Seems like sheer hell, and yet Bill Murray regularly goes out of his way to do just this.

2. Bill Murray feels sorry for the content farmers

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Despite the flimsy, disposable nature of everything that’s ever been published online, finding more stuff to foist on the internet can be difficult sometimes. My day is generally comprised of switching between different news sites and social media, panning for nuggets of viral gold in among the silt and the sludge, having to settle on a news story about yet another building that has let the general public rename it ‘Harambe’ in a poll.

Maybe Bill Murray sees this. Maybe Bill Murray understands mine the struggle of the humble content farmers and wants to help alleviate it. Maybe Bill Murray subjects himself to his existence as a living art project-cum-wacky circus act, performing silly stunts purely to help us out. Maybe Bill Murray checks ShortList.com, sees it’s been a slow news day and then goes paintballing in a zoo.

Do you know how many hits ‘Bill Murray Goes Paintballing In A Zoo’ would get? Loads. My editor would give me the week off. We’d meet every target for the month and advertisers would pour money into our company. We’d be able to hire more people and deliver more of the great content you love. In fact, every moment Bill Murray isn’t going paintballing in a zoo, Bill Murray is taking food out of the mouths of our potential future employees and great content out of the eyes of you, the dear reader.

But if Bill Murray truly cared about the content farm, he wouldn’t have dispensed with agents and publicists in favour of a 1-800 hotline that he barely checks. In fact, his lack of checking has almost certainly seen him miss out on landing countless roles which would’ve been very easy to write about. If Bill Murray was actually invested in the toil of the content mines, he also wouldn’t be so famously recalcitrant towards doing interviews. Bill Murray pretty much only speaks to David Letterman, who has now retired from television, so now Bill Murray pretty much speaks to no one.

No, Bill Murray doesn’t feel sorry for the content farmers. Which leaves only one explanation...

3. Bill Murray has no friends

Picture the scene: you are a celebrity who has invited Bill Murray to your party. And you can’t just throw a party as a celebrity, because all your other celebrity pals have massively conflicting schedules, so you have to plan meticulously for months in advance. And if your party is rubbish, the press will know, and you’ll became known for being unable to throw a party.

You probably have hire a whole bunch of people to bartend, to wait tables, to man the doors and to DJ. It’s the big day. You’re stressed out. Everyone arrives on time, everyone on good form, everyone enjoying themselves. You flit between mingling opportunities. You’ve pulled it off, a top celebrity bash! And then Bill Murray goes and chucks two fans’ phones off the roof.

“For chrissakes, Bill Murray,” you sigh. “Every. Damn. Time.” Bill Murray rings you up and asks if you’d perhaps like to play a round of golf, and you agree because what could possibly go wrong? Just you two, a fine stretch of green and an extremely subdued sport. And then Bill Murray drives his golf cart down a motorway in Sweden.

Soon you stop answering Bill Murray’s calls. Bill Murray is a liability. You can’t trust Bill Murray not to make a scene. Every invite to the theatre conjures horrible premonitions of Bill Murray storming the stage in a zorb. Every promise to ‘just hang out’ runs the risk of Bill Murray inviting a local scout regiment round your house and playing an impromptu game of baseball in your living room with your Grammy. Every ‘quiet night in’ will undoubtedly end with both of you embroiled in a police car chase, except you’re both blackout drunk and riding elephants you’ve stolen from a Las Vegas casino.

Take Bill Murray’s behaviour out of the context of him being a beloved celebrity and it’s actually pretty tragic and quite bleak. Any other 65-year-old man turning up alone, off their face and uninvited to student parties would almost certainly find themselves arrested in normal circumstances. You’d be putting in a few concerned calls to his family members, at least.

But because Bill Murray has his cult ‘Bill Murray’ persona, we don’t see a near-pensioner erratically stumbling drunk from house party to festival bar and back again, we don't see what would be extremely generously described as a 'cry for help' in anyone else, we see Bill Freaking Murray, doing what he wants and living life to the fullest. And we cheer him on.

This weekend’s proposed bartending stunt is an alarming development in Bill Murray’s quest for something to do and people to drink with. Usually, he does this stuff entirely unannounced, but this time he’s let everyone know in advance. There will be multiple times as many people there as usual. He’s desperate for company. As vampires need blood to remain young, a ravenous Bill Murray roams the globe, looking for more strangers to drink with, to party with, to witness to his disgraces.

But Bill Murray will never quench his thirst, because Bill Murray will never party with enough strangers. What Bill Murray truly needs is a friend.

Dan Aykroyd, David Letterman, Wu Tang Clan, Wes Anderson… if you’re reading this; pick up the phone.

Follow Tristan on Twitter.


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Tristan Cross

Tristan Cross is the only writer in the UK

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