Opinion

This is what women really think of your favourite film

Posted by
Emily Reynolds
Published
This is what women really think of your favourite film

You know the score by now, right? We’ve done it to your favourite books. We’ve done it to your favourite albums. And now: we are going to tell you what women really think of your favourite films and ruin them for you. Sorry. 

Shawshank Redemption

You think “so do you have any brothers or sisters?” is a genuinely good question to ask on a date.

Pan’s Labyrinth

You have “loves travelling” in your Tinder bio because you went to Spain. Once.

Pierrot le Fou

You will dump us - repeatedly - for a girl with a blunt fringe.

The Matrix

Will exasperatedly tell us to “wake up” to the beauty industry every time we buy a new lipstick; potentially also your reasoning for literally never washing your hair.

Any pre-Daniel Craig James Bond film

You own more than one item of Top Gear merchandise.

Any post-Daniel Craig James Bond film

Your emotional register consists almost entirely of “send nudes”.

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Pulp Fiction

Will talk at length about Tarantino’s “strong female characters”. Hates it when we make any of our own decisions.

Lord of the Rings

You will regularly blow us off to attend events at Games Workshop.

Scarface

Did coke once. 

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Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Treating people badly is back, baby! It’s cool and aspirational again! Awoouu!

V for Vendetta

You think “telling people you’re intelligent” is a personality trait and refer to every single one of your ex-girlfriends as “bitches”.

Lost in Translation

Unlike your ex-girlfriend, who was “crazy”, we’re just “not like other girls”. Lucky us!

Dead Poets Society

Exactly like Lost In Translation but will also explain feminism to us.

Donnie Darko

Exactly like Dead Poets Society but you haven’t changed your sheets for four months.

Any documentary

You will send us essay length texts every day until we decide we like you and want to commit, at which point, much like the endangered pelican in the 3 hour long documentary you made us watch half of before you started trying to bone down, you will never be seen again.

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Fight Club

You think literally everything is deep and meaningful except our feelings, which are “irrational”.

Catch Me If You Can

We will sleep with you once and then you will blank us for the rest of eternity.

Anchorman

You have a “lads” group chat in which your friends regularly roast you for being “whipped” any time you display a modicum of affection towards us.

Rebel Without a Cause

You once had detention in Year 9 and you will tell us about it at length.

Snatch

You may have grown up in the Home Counties, but by god you won’t let that stop you calling everyone “geezer”.

Das Boot

You thought Mark Corrigan was an aspirational character. 

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Drive

You just “don’t believe in labels” (are fucking about 85 other women). 

Star Wars

You will spend more time on Reddit replying “*you’re :)” to typos than you will paying attention to any of our emotional needs.

2001: A Space Odyssey

You are far more interested in discussing the ~hidden subtext~ of Stanley Kubrick’s cinematography than you are in ever finding out where the clitoris is.

Dumb and Dumber

You just laughed at the word “clitoris” despite also having literally no idea where the clitoris is.

American Psycho

We get it, you hate women.