You know the score by now, right? We’ve done it to your favourite books. We’ve done it to your favourite albums. And now: we are going to tell you what women really think of your favourite films and ruin them for you. Sorry.
You think “so do you have any brothers or sisters?” is a genuinely good question to ask on a date.
You have “loves travelling” in your Tinder bio because you went to Spain. Once.
Pierrot le Fou
You will dump us - repeatedly - for a girl with a blunt fringe.
Will exasperatedly tell us to “wake up” to the beauty industry every time we buy a new lipstick; potentially also your reasoning for literally never washing your hair.
Any pre-Daniel Craig James Bond film
You own more than one item of Top Gear merchandise.
Any post-Daniel Craig James Bond film
Your emotional register consists almost entirely of “send nudes”.
Will talk at length about Tarantino’s “strong female characters”. Hates it when we make any of our own decisions.
Lord of the Rings
You will regularly blow us off to attend events at Games Workshop.
Did coke once.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Treating people badly is back, baby! It’s cool and aspirational again! Awoouu!
V for Vendetta
You think “telling people you’re intelligent” is a personality trait and refer to every single one of your ex-girlfriends as “bitches”.
Lost in Translation
Unlike your ex-girlfriend, who was “crazy”, we’re just “not like other girls”. Lucky us!
Dead Poets Society
Exactly like Lost In Translation but will also explain feminism to us.
Exactly like Dead Poets Society but you haven’t changed your sheets for four months.
You will send us essay length texts every day until we decide we like you and want to commit, at which point, much like the endangered pelican in the 3 hour long documentary you made us watch half of before you started trying to bone down, you will never be seen again.
You think literally everything is deep and meaningful except our feelings, which are “irrational”.
Catch Me If You Can
We will sleep with you once and then you will blank us for the rest of eternity.
You have a “lads” group chat in which your friends regularly roast you for being “whipped” any time you display a modicum of affection towards us.
Rebel Without a Cause
You once had detention in Year 9 and you will tell us about it at length.
You may have grown up in the Home Counties, but by god you won’t let that stop you calling everyone “geezer”.
You thought Mark Corrigan was an aspirational character.
You just “don’t believe in labels” (are fucking about 85 other women).
You will spend more time on Reddit replying “*you’re :)” to typos than you will paying attention to any of our emotional needs.
2001: A Space Odyssey
You are far more interested in discussing the ~hidden subtext~ of Stanley Kubrick’s cinematography than you are in ever finding out where the clitoris is.
Dumb and Dumber
You just laughed at the word “clitoris” despite also having literally no idea where the clitoris is.
We get it, you hate women.