Music: a way to express yourself, to work through your feelings, to escape the mundanity of your life.
Also, a way for women (me) to judge you (and everything you stand for in every single way!). Yay!
The Smiths - The Queen is Dead
You think “but I’m sad” is a good enough reason to not face up to any of your emotional inadequacies.
The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
You’ll correct us any time we use the word “literally” when we mean “figuratively”.
The National - Boxer
Just like the Smiths, except you only own one pillow.
Bob Dylan - Blood on the Tracks
You tell women you’re “kind of a writer”. You work in marketing.
The Strokes - Is This It
Your music taste is entirely based off a single “cool indie bands” Google search you did in about 2010.
Neutral Milk Hotel - In The Aeroplane Over The Sea
Just like The National, but you own a Chemex.
The Velvet Underground and Nico
You still wear the same pair of scuffed Topshop Chelsea boots you bought in 2014. You have taken drugs a grand total of two (2) times.
Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not
You regularly attend nights out at student unions. You are 27.
Oasis - Definitely Maybe
You own eight parkas and think taking us to TGI Friday’s is “a treat”.
Ed Sheeran - +
Your mum still does all your washing. All of it.
The Weeknd - Starboy
You will sleep with us once and then only get in touch to ask “u up?”.
Weezer - Pinkerton
You own an anime body pillow.
My Bloody Valentine - Loveless
Much like your favourite album, sex with you is extremely boring, goes on too long and once you’ve experienced it once there is literally no need to ever again.
Eminem - The Marshall Mathers LP
You are genuinely thrilled by any opportunity to rap or sing along to music that details women being brutally murdered. It’s ironic!
Nick Cave - Murder Ballads
Exactly like Eminem except you regularly bought and wore shag bands as a teenager.
Radiohead - Kid A
You know those comments under videos of pop songs on YouTube complaining about people not being able to appreciate “real music”? That’s you, that is.
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication
You exclusively have sex doggy style. And you insist on calling it “doggy style”.
Skrillex - Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites
The highlight of your week is Monday morning, when you get the chance to tell your colleagues how, like, totally fucked up you got on Saturday.
Interpol - Turn on the Bright Lights
You ask women in band t-shirts to “name three of their albums”.
The Darkness - Permission To Land
You will refer to having sex with us as “bonking”.
Morrissey - Viva Hate
You’re sad, yes, but also….racist or extremely tolerant of racism!
Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon
You own more than one dice that has more than six sides.
Father John Misty - I Love You, Honeybear
You call yourself a “misanthrope” to disguise the fact nobody actually likes you.
Rage Against the Machine - The Battle of Los Angeles
You will forget our anniversary and then chastise us for buying into the “romantic industrial complex” when we get upset.
Nirvana - In Utero
You only have one bedding set.
The 1975 - I Like It When You Sleep For You Are So Beautiful Yet So Unaware Of It
You only have one bedding set and for some reason that bedding set is a New York skyline bedding set? You will literally never make us come.
David Bowie - The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars
You think you’ve redefined masculinity because you let your niece paint your nails one time.
Burial - Untrue
You list “psychogeography” as one of your interests on OkCupid, which basically translates to “I went on a long walk once and sometimes read Will Self’s column”.
Belle and Sebastian - If You’re Feeling Sinister
You still look out of bus windows sadly when it’s raining even though you’re 29 and should probably have started paying into a pension plan by now.
Drake - Take Care
You respect women so much that you insist on telling every Tinder match exactly how much you genuinely, honestly, really respect women. Plot twist: you do not, in fact, respect women.
Bruce Springsteen - Born in the USA
“I know I work in an ad agency in Hoxton but I totally connect to steel workers in Idaho”.
Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago
Despite starting nearly every sentence with “according to my therapist…”, you have little to no insight into your own feelings or behaviour.
The Shins - Chutes Too Narrow
You genuinely thought 500 Days of Summer was romantic and will sadly tell us we “changed” when we display any sign that we’re human.