Opinion

52 weeks of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson: Week 18

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Ralph Jones
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Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson

This week, The Rock proves his worth as a man once again

Big oral sex news in The Rock Report this week. YES YES, YOU HEARD ME, I SAID BIG ORAL SEX NEWS.

It won’t have escaped your notice this week that DJ Khaled, he of quizzical expression and rotund frame, does not go down on his wife, Nicole Tuck. In a resurfaced clip from the New York radio show The Breakfast Club, DJ Khaled said that he has “never” given oral sex to a woman. 

Quite why the news took this long to become A Big Deal is a mystery. Maybe 2015 was an age of comparative misogyny; an era in which not going down on your wife was the norm. You think you can get away with giving cunnilingus the cold shoulder in 2018? Buddy. Think. A. Gain.

Very few sentences end well when they begin “I believe that a woman should”. What does DJ Khaled say, milliseconds after “I believe that a woman should”? Does he say “be granted exactly the same opportunities as men”? Does he say “have been given the vote in the United States much sooner than 1919”? 

I’m afraid he doesn’t. What does DJ Khaled say after “I believe that a woman should”? Well, DJ Khaled says, “praise the man”. Arguing like a child, the 42-year-old man says “My work is great” and seems to think that this justifies his unwillingness to reciprocate in the oral sex department. 

Two things to note here: 1) It is very much a subjective judgment as to whether or not the oeuvre of DJ Khaled is great. Someone saying about their own work “My work is great” tends to be an idiot whose work isn’t very great; 2) Let’s assume, for argument’s sake, that the work of DJ Khaled is indeed great. His music being great is no excuse for not going down on a partner who goes down on him. I’d go so far as to say it is absolutely irrelevant. If she was giving him blowjobs night after night, even Thomas Edison should have gone down on his wife.

At one point in the ludicrous exchange – in which he feels the need to constantly reiterate that he is “the king” – DJ Khaled even says, “It’s different rules for men.” And fair play to him there: if you’re going to be a misogynist, it’s handy if you openly admit to it on air. It saves time. Well done, DJ Khaled.

ANYWAY. Why are we talking about whether or not DJ Khaled licks his wife’s vagina?

Two words: The Rock.

Though it might have surprised you to learn that DJ Khaled doesn’t perform oral sex on his wife, it won’t surprise you in the slightest to learn that The Rock does. (I mean that he performs oral sex on his own wife, not DJ Khaled’s wife. If The Rock were performing oral sex on DJ Khaled’s wife that would be the subject of this week’s column.)

Smelling drama – and the opportunity to generate headlines, no doubt, the cheeky so-and-so – our best friend The Rock waded into the cunnilingus debate with this tweet.

“As a man,” he said, “I take great pride in mastering ALL performances.” Extremely difficult to conclude that he’s talking about anything other than oral sex there, given the context.

There are complexities we needn’t go into here – people have sex in a multiplicity of different ways; it is usually dangerous to judge other people’s sex lives without knowing much about them – but there is a stark contrast between the attitude held by DJ Khaled and that held by The Hero Dwayne Mr Champion The Rock Johnson. Unless he is lying, DJ Khaled thinks that his wife has a duty to give him head and that this obligation doesn’t apply to him because he’s a great musician. The Rock relishes the idea of ensuring his oral sex technique is as spectacular as it can be. Who would you rather come home to after a long day?

Men; if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: be more like The Rock and less like DJ Khaled.

Stay hungry, stay humble.

Read The Rock Report archive right here

(Image: Getty)

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Ralph Jones

Ralph Jones is a staff writer for ShortList magazine. In April 2015 he won a seven-foot throne of dildos but he’d rather you didn’t mention it. He performs sketch comedy and is on Twitter at @OhHiRalphJones

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