I bet when you heard earlier in the week that Katie Hopkins was leaving MailOnline you thought we might see a brief respite from some of the inflammatory language to which we’ve become all too accustomed.
How naïve you were.
If you’ve somehow escaped the news for the last 24 hours, you be blissfully unaware that Donald Trump retweeted Jayda Fransen, the deputy leader of far right fringe group Britain First, sharing a series of unverified (or discredited) videos.
Limp condemnation from the Prime Minister aside, many of us have been asking the same question: What the actual fuck?!
Surely, as the President of the United States of America, Trump could have simply not retweeted Britain First’s deputy leader.
Surely he could have woken up on Wednesday and done something else.
We’ve come up with some other things that would have been a better idea.
1. Made a bowl of cereal
Pour out Lucky Charms, fish around in the bottom of the box for the free toy, add milk, stick Cartoon Network on the TV, don’t share those videos, Bob’s your father’s brother.
2. Cooked some porridge
3. Made an egg-white omelette
4. Perfected the art of a bacon sandwich
5. Ironed a shirt
Sure, he’s president, so he probably has someone else paid to do that for him. But why not give that person the morning off and, in the process, not share videos put onto your timeline by the deputy leader of far right fringe group Britain First.
6. Ironed his pants
7. Ironed his ties
8. Ironed the cloth on top of the ironing board
9. Run a bath
Pour in hot water, pour in cold water, get the balance slightly wrong, let some of it drain out before it starts overflowing, bit more hot, a little bubble bath, don’t retweet Jayda Fransen, simple.
10. Seen to that leaky tap in the bathroom
11. Changed all the lightbulbs in the White House
12. Started up a new game of Football Manager
Trump’s hometown team New York City FC make for a pretty good challenge on the new game, with Andrea Pirlo retiring at the end of the first season. He could have decided to work out a plan for dealing with life after the Italian and, in the process, not retweeted a debunked video entitled ‘Muslim migrant beats up Dutch boy on crutches!’
13. Started a new FIFA journey mode game
14. Started a new game of Animal Crossing
15. Run some updates on the laptop
You put it off for ages with the smallest excuses. I don’t want to interrupt that video I’m watching, remind me tomorrow. I’ve got to finish writing that note, remind me tomorrow. If he’d run the update then sure, it might have meant a bit of time away from Twitter, but on the plus side it might have meant a bit of time away from Twitter.
16. Built a wall out of Lego, taken a polaroid photo of it and posted the photo to Mexico. No actual address, just an envelope with the word ‘Mexico’ on the front
17. Run out to the postbox, taken the polaroid letter out and added a single second-class stamp.
18. Capped up the ‘R’ in his Twitter handle
OK, if he absolutely had to open up the app, why not change the style on the @realDonaldTrump handle. A lower-case first word followed by upper-case for his full name is just clunky. And time spent capping up the R is time not spent retweeting racists.
19. Changed it back to a lower-case R
20. Changed his handle to @DaRealTrump
21. Changed his handle to @ApprenticeBoss
22. Changed his handle to @YourFired2
23. Corrected the typo and changed it to @YoureFired23, because 1 through 22 were taken
24. Washed his legs
He doesn’t look like the sort of man who washes his legs enough. If only he spent less time sharing fake news and more time looking after what we imagine are scabby, reddened monstrosities.
25. Washed his hair with the good shampoo
26. Cleaned behind his ears. Properly, though, not just the half-arsed job he normally does
27. Changed the Fox News logo to an actual fox
Would be a lot cooler, wouldn’t it. Maybe people would even start taking them more seriously, especially if it was the fox from Disney’s Robin Hood. Also, y’know, it avoids that whole videos thing.
28. Changed the CNN logo to a fox, too, because he’s president and he can do what he wants
29. Bought a live fox to keep as a pet
30. Tried medium-rare steak for the first time
Sure, it might have been first thing in the morning for el presidente, but breakfast is just a social construct anyway. Medium-rare steak, no ketchup – maybe even get someone to whip him up a fresh peppercorn sauce. Worst case scenario, he has a meal he doesn’t enjoy, but hasn’t retweeted the deputy leader of Britain First. Best case, he’s got a new favourite meal.
31. Thrown the medium-rare steak out of the window and asked for his usual, but with the good ketchup this time
32. Gone for a jog
Maybe the fresh air would have done him some good, and stopped him sharing those videos to more than 43 million followers.
33. Played catch with Barron in the garden
34. Played catch with Don Jr and Eric in the garden
35. Played catch with his new pet fox in the garden
36. Played catch indoors
37. Dressed up in a tuxedo and played catch out on the street, like that bafflingly incongruous scene in The Room
38. Called up Cadbury’s and asked them to bring back the Fuse bar
I’m pretty sure the President has an in to the big bosses in candyland, which is how I assume Cadbury’s top brass refer to themselves. Sure, it might seem ‘minor’ or ‘unnecessary’, but it’s not sharing a video of questionable veracity from a group with a history of making false claims.
39. Made his own Fuse bars from Cadbury’s original recipe
40. Made his own Wonka bars from the Cadbury’s recipe
41. Build an entire chocolate factory from scratch
42. Resurrected the late Gene Wilder
43. Invited lucky ticket holders to a tour of the new chocolate factory, hosted by Zombie Wilder
44. Petitioned Kellogg’s to bring back Ricicles
45. Tried to call up the child astronaut on the Ricicles box to ask him what space is like
46. Told us what the ‘J’ in ‘Donald J. Trump’ stands for
It’s John. We know it’s John because Wikipedia tells us, and because it’s been mentioned on the news. However, it hasn’t come up in any of his 36,000 tweets. You know what has come up? That’s right, Britain First retweets.
47. Told us what POTUS stands for, even though we already know that too
48. Corrected himself and explained he knew it wasn’t really ‘President of Trump United Services’, and that was just a test
49. Refused to say what it ‘actually’ stands for, but assures us it’s not because he doesn’t know
50. Confirmed whether or not a hot dog is a sandwich
We know a hot dog is a sandwich, of course. We’ve given a complete rundown to answer all of your sandwich queries, but we’re wary of the fact that it might not yet have made it across the Atlantic. And running the rule over America’s most famous food is surely more statesmanlike than sharing those videos.
51. Confirmed whether or not a cheeseburger is a sandwich
52. Confirmed whether or not a taco is a sandwich
53. Confirmed whether or not an Oreo is a sandwich
54. Complained that millennials will never be able to afford a house if they keep spending their money on Oreos
55. Juggled some fruit
You’re never too old to learn a new skill, and if your hands are busy with an increasingly preposterous number of apples and oranges then you’ll be sure to have no free digits available for tweeting or retweeting.
56. Juggled some knives
As above, but sharper, and thus with more risk of permanent damage to your tweeting hand.
57. Juggled some hot dogs
58. Juggled some actual dogs
59. Watched some actual dogs juggling some hot dogs
60. Watched all three Lord of the Rings movies
The extended cut DVD versions, obviously. That’s 682 minutes, or more than 11 hours, plus the extended credits. When you add pee breaks into the mix – he is a 71-year-old man, after all – he’d likely be ready for bed by the time it’s all over, without a single offensive retweet sent.
61. Re-enacted all three Lord of the Rings movies using sock puppets
62. Re-enacted all three Lord of the Rings movies using sock puppet Twitter accounts
63. Invited Peter Jackson to the White House to provide a live director’s commentary for the three Lord of the Rings movies, all the while talking over him and telling him that’s not how it happened.
64. Googled ‘are Hobbits real’
65. Ordered Melania to dress as a hobbit
66. Ordered Ivanka to dress as a hobbit
67. Ordered his fox to dress as a hobbit
68. Dressed the fox himself
69. Recorded himself performing an a capella version of Eamon’s 2003 banger ‘F**k It (I Don’t Want You Back)’
If anything’s going to inspire ex-wife Ivana to record a chart-topping version of Frankee’s comeback, it’s this. Obviously Donnie T knows the words by heart, so it shouldn’t take too long, but it’s still time away from Twitter.
70. Performed a duet of ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart’ with Theresa May over Skype
71. Performed and recorded his own a capella version of the Rocky theme. Yes, the instrumental
72. Learned all the words to ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’ by Billy Joel
73. Instructed the CIA to bring him Billy Joel and have him arrested for arson
74. Called up the *actual* CIA, after realising his first call was to CNN
75. Called CNN back and asked if they had considered his logo change suggestion
76. Watched old re-runs of The Apprentice
77. Hoovered under the bed
You never get every last bit of dirt, but it can be calming to get things looking a little bit cleaner and tidier. Besides, even a handheld vacuum cleaner will mean one less hand free for retweeting ‘VIDEO: Muslim Destroys a Statue of Virgin Mary!’
78. Hoovered crumbs off the duvet
79. Ordered a Roomba
80. Tried to get a new high score on Tetris
With Trump’s generally impatient manner, coupled with the concentration of a man who tweets in the erratic way he does, this could take longer than you might think. A younger, more relaxed Donald probably posted a competitive tally back in the day, so it could be hours before he even comes close to matching it as a septuagenarian. By that point, it’ll be impossible for him to think about anything other than tiles – Twitter’s way out of the equation.
81. Tried to get a new high score on Flappy Bird
82. Tried to get a new high score on Snake 2
83. Thrown darts at a photo of Hillary Clinton
Sure, it’s not exactly pleasant, but it’s hardly the worst thing Trump has done, or will do. At this stage, anything that involves the use of one or both hands for an extended period of time is on the agenda, especially when it runs the risk of the sort of self-inflicted injury that stops him from getting anywhere near that whole Britain First thing.
84. Thrown darts at a photo of Kim Jong-un
85. Thrown darts at a photo of the CNN logo – the original one, not his new one with a fox
86. Written out Pi to 1,000 digits
How many times do you get the chance to write out Pi to 100 digits, let alone 1,000. He’d be practicing his handwriting, too, and – most importantly – not retweeting Jayda Fransen.
87. Eaten 1,000 pies with his digits
88. Ordered a pie well-done with ketchup
89. Googled ‘why don’t mince pies have minced beef in them?’
90. Googled ‘why don’t mints pies have mints in them?’
91. Taken salsa classes
92. Googled ‘why don’t you get salsa at salsa classes?’
93. Deleted all his tweets
This would obviously prevent him from going on to retweet those videos from Britain First’s deputy leader, because he’s too busy deleting the old ones. This is, unequivocally, a good thing.
94. Deleted Twitter from his phone
95. Thrown his phone out of the window
96. Demanded an executive order banning Twitter
97. Glared at a bird outside because it reminds him of the Twitter logo
98. Painted over any Twitter-blue surfaces in the White House
99. Wiped his entire memory
100. Listened to a 25-minute version of ‘Last Christmas’ by Wham
‘Tis the season, after all.
(Images: Rex Features/iStock/Frinkiac)