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New Rules For Modern Men

A guide to steering a course through the new sexual landscape without neutering yourself entirely.

Be a feminist

Support the rights of your colleagues, your girlfriend, your mother, every woman you know. Because it’s the right thing to do. All smart men should be feminists.

Maybe don’t proclaim yourself one

In the arena of sexual politics there are men calling themselves feminists because they’re just trying to get laid. The routine is mandatory for uni days, but pure evil beyond that.

Be friends with girls and don’t worry about it

It is such bullsh*t to say men can’t be friends with women, that sex always gets in the way blah blah, like we’re living in a rom-com. Those old-school men shaking their heads right now? They don’t have any mates at all.

Put your tongue back in

Girls know when you’re ogling them. They have a built-in Ogle Sense. We’re

not saying it’s sexual harassment. But it basically is.

Try not to appraise colleagues sexually

Even if it’s discreetly to other men. Aside from how you’re tainting the work atmosphere, if you’re looking to move up, being an old-school perv is not going to work for you. Unless you work in politics.

Don’t call female colleagues pet names

‘Love’, ‘sweetheart’, ‘honey’, ‘darling’, ‘babes’. Even an ironic ‘my dear’ smacks of a patronising fuddy-duddy who doesn’t get it. And saying ‘bee-atch’ while doing comedy gun fingers could basically get you arrested.

Realise that the war of the sexes is not just a myth but an active indoctrination perpetuated by the ruling classes to dupe the populous and keep them warring with each other rather than collaborating together to fight for peace on Earth.

OK?

Be against objectification

Reducing women to an image is a distancing strategy by men to protect themselves from rejection. Modern men want to speak to women, because they are true men, not scaredy-cats hung up on sexy girls because they never meet any.

Don’t sign off emails to women with x’s

You may as well put “I think you’re stupid”. Also, all our bosses are going to be women soon and how annoying will it be to have that rebound on you? “You’re fired x”

Do your share around the house

You may think this is reverse misogyny because we assume women are taking up most of the slack. But c’mon, take a good look at yourself. Do you clean up after yourself? Are you committed? Do you expect your partner to take the burden just because your mum was doing the Shake N’ Vac around you for the entire Eighties?

Don’t bug your girlfriend for more sex. If you want more, get better at it

This is Louis CK’s take: “Men think women are needy because they want a cuddle after sex… She’s not needy, you idiot, she’s horny, because you did nothing for her.”

Have a daughter

Then see just how feminist a man can be. One look at your daughter’s innocent face, and a reflective thought of what a despicable, waste of rock and oil the world is, and you’ll literally be trying to mould your child into Margaret Thatcher crossed with Ming The Merciless, just out of paternal protection.

Wear a dress

What are you afraid of? Be a man. Aside from improving your empathy, it makes it much easier to scratch your balls.

(Image: All Star)