January is over. The booze can flow again, the days are getting ever longer, spring is not far off springing, and the gyms of our glorious nation are empty once again, as the wide-eyed, enthusiastic hordes of #fitnessgoals #newyearsresolution #eatcleantraindirty people have given up on their dreams and accepted defeat.
Nothing wrong with that guys, we’re all human, and working out is tough (and while we’re here why not try the more achievable #18for2018 instead?).
And, in fact, this is exactly what those gyms wanted all along. Get everyone to sign up for a year’s membership, or a rolling monthly one, and then hope everyone who gives up either forgets that they’re still paying, or never cancels because they feel too guilty (“I’ll definitely restart next week”).
But another way they get to keep you on the payroll without you actually wearing out any of their gear is to make it bloody impossible to cancel your membership, by making you jump through as many awkward hoops as possible, to the point where you simply give up and write the money off.
This tactic was used on Reddit user Mastrrbasser, who tried to cancel his Planet Fitness account over the phone - after moving away from the area - but was told he’d need a certified letter to end the relationship.
So he decided to write a full, thorough and heartfelt letter explaining exactly why their time together was coming to an end.
The letter reads:
“It is with deep regret, and a heavy heart that I write this letter, but I must come forth with my intentions with sincerity and honesty.
“Certain events in my life have put me in a different place, and while it was one of the more taxing decisions I’ve had to make of late, it is the right one.
“The purpose of this letter is to end my relationship with Planet Fitness.
“I know I’ve been distant, but it’s because I’ve changed. I have different needs now, and to be frank… you really haven’t changed at all. You’re still that bulky, purple and yellow building with the tootsie rolls at the counter. I don’t want to change you, and it pains me to think that we were once one, but are now separate and in different places.
“I don’t want you to be jealous, or to judge me based on this decision. That’s not the Planet Fitness that I know and love. I still love you, but more like a friend at this point. I’m sorry things couldn’t have been better between us.
“I still think fondly of you, and the time we spent together as I drive by one of your many locations. Sometimes, when I’m alone, I even throw one of my old ‘power-pop workout’ playlists and feel the rush of our past course through me as if we were still one; holding hands with your elliptical machine, and gingerly brushing my sweaty bangs out of my face as I huff and puff in a tumultuous vortex of sweat and endorphins.
“However, all good things must come to an end, and I hope this letter finds you well. You just keep being you, and while we will both grow, it will be into our own new lives without each other. I think this is for the better.”
Before a final, devastating blow, right to the heart of Planet Fitness:
“P.S., my wife also needs to cancel her membership.”
Love can be cruel sometimes.