Todd Orr staggers out of the forest having just sustained a near-fatal grizzly bear attack and thinks to himself ‘well I guess I oughttaput this on the ol’ Facebook.’ Despite being 50, drenched in his own blood and with chunks of his body hanging off him, he has the nonchalance of a vlogger updating their fans about having just been to the cereal café.
(WARNING: THIS VIDEO CONTAINS GRAPHIC FOOTAGE OF AN ADMITTEDLY VERY LIKEABLE MAN EXHIBITING HORRIFYING WOUNDS)
“Yeah… life sucks in bear country,” he says, showing off his gaping, oozing wounds with the understated ‘tshhhh, bloody typical’ resignation someone might have if they’d just been splashed by a lorry driving through a puddle.
“She got my head good… I don’t know what’s under my hat!... My ear, my arm, pieces are hanging out, I don’t know what’s going on in there… And then my shoulder’s ripped up, think my arm’s broken…” Todd Orr is calmly rattling off places he’s been mauled by an actual grizzly bear like he’s taking you through an MOT on your car.
“But…” (But!) “My legs are good, my internal organs are good, my eyes are good, and now I’ve gotta go to the hospital!” Todd cheerily tells his friends and family.
This year’s Academy Award for ‘Best Actor’ went to Leonardo DiCaprio’s turn in The Revenant, in which he survives a bear attack and then goes “argh” for two hours. Todd Orr survived a bear attack in real life and just walked to hospital. Leonardo DiCaprio pretended to be injured by a CGI animal and was rewarded for something Todd Orr’s breezy post-bear attitude has since proven to be ‘bad acting.’
Picture Todd Orr screaming like DiCaprio. You can’t. You can see the bear stalking Todd Orr, rearing its colossal frame, baring its petrifying teeth, extending its razorblade claws, letting out an almighty roar, but Todd Orr doesn’t yowl in fright as he braces for certain death, he just rolls his eyes and goes “Oh boy…” He’s being tossed in the air like a ragdoll, his limbs being smashed like twiglets and his skin being peeled like Cheesestrings, and he’s exhaling heavily and folding his arms. Todd Orr is bored of being attacked by a grizzly bear. Todd Orr is waiting impatiently for it to end as you would a small dog gnawing at your trouser leg.
“Be safe out there!” says Todd, as if he isn’t someone who has just walked into a bear’s habitat and being brutalised within an inch of his life. “Bear spray doesn’t always work, but it’s better than nothing!”
Truly words to live by. Print Todd Orr’s gnarled face on as many t-shirts as you can lay your hands on, splatter them in Todd Orr’s excess blood and you’re onto the easiest money-spinner since Rumplestiltskin. Todd Orr is so happy-go-lucky that having to go to hospital because you've been savaged by a bear is a mere blip in his day. Todd Orr looks death in the mouth and simply shrugs. Todd Orr is the poster-boy for optimism this sad, sad 21st Century world needs.