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Lucky ladies, you could be this 70-year-old baronet’s wife, as long as you’re not “past your sell-by-date”

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Gary Ogden
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Calling all ladies – are you in the market for an eligible bachelor? A man-about-town with a rather hefty wallet? A camo-wearing, gun-toting baronet with two castles? If the answer is yes, then you might be in luck, because Sir Benjamin Slade is currently interviewing for a new wife. He wants a child to inherit his empire, basically, and he doesn’t have one yet...

So the eccentric millionaire is on the lookout for a life partner, after he ended his recent relationship with businesswoman Bridget Convey. Why didn’t he have a child with her? Well, because “She is 50, so too old to have children.” Of course, sorry Sir.

Of his love before that, Benny mentions “My last girlfriend, Kirsten Hughes, went off with my handyman in 2011, but was already showing signs of madness.”

It seems that the baronet has had quite the experience when it comes to courting, you see. He says, of another previous fling – Fiona Aitken, current Countess of Carnarvon: “I rescued her from the back of a car, set her up in business and made her a millionaire in 18 months. She was very difficult to live with. Good riddance to her.”

Has quite the way with words, does our Ben. As can be evidenced in his latest marriage plea:

“I am interviewing hard. I have had a few proposals, but sometimes the women are past their sell-by date and have been over the guns a few times. They have to be fit — I have two castles. I am like a feudal prince when it comes to throwing parties.”

But it’s not just the chunky bank account he’s got to offer, oh no – he’s in peak physical condition, too:

“I’ve bought a back stretcher and hang upside down on it for five minutes every morning. It works wonders for the chin and neckline. I also have some “sky boots” with a hook in the top so I can hang upside down.

“I have some Traynor pinhole glasses, which I wear for 20 minutes a day and they have really improved my eyesight.

“I am also on the Genghis Khan diet, which is recommended for young Lotharios and involves eating sweet potato, sunflower seeds and horny goat weed. It was recommended by my French nephew, who is 70 and hasn’t a single grey hair. And Genghis had 2,000 children.”

Not sure if the requirement to have 2,000 children is included in the contract, but if you’re “fortunate” enough to be chosen, you’ll have the run around of all his land, which is nice. Or at least it sounds it to me – I’m not sure if Slade agrees:

“The annual heating bill is £24,000; insurance is £15,000. I’ve always wished my name was Smith and that I lived in a council house.”

Extra incentive there for anyone called Smith – maybe you can convince him to keep your name...

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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