I really miss Blockbuster – like, properly, actually miss it. Mainly because I fancied the girl that worked there and would impress her by standing in the horror section, running my fingers along the cases and loudly shouting “SEEN, SEEN, SEEN” until she looked up, but there were other reasons, too.
There was nothing like going into an actual shop and browsing all the VHS tapes, and later, DVDs – the physical act of picking things up, turning them around, reading the blurb, then saying “Might come back to this”, before repeating, ad infinitum, was a unique experience. Scrolling through Netflix just doesn’t cut it, in my opinion – it’s harder to find what you want, it’s not as fun, and also you can’t get any sweeties on the way out.
But alas, as with everything that I like, it came to an end – Blockbuster ceased to exist, and I was left to roam the barren aisles of the last few HMVs and Fopps in search of DVDs, before finally consigning myself to a life of online video.
But over in the US there are about 12 stores still left open – mainly in places like Alaska, where the Wi-Fi is bad and the winters are long. And the Twitter account of one branch is doing big numbers on the old internet. The location – the ‘Oak Lawn Shopping Center between 3rd and Main’ – may or may not actually exist, but it does look like the account is genuinely run by staff at one of the last stores, somewhere.
Either way, they’re banging out some top qual tweets:
Asking us why we don't have Blu Rays is like asking a homeless person why they don't have a MacBook Pro.— The Last Blockbuster (@loneblockbuster) August 6, 2017
Hope you all had a nice relaxing summer weekend. We just pawned our gumball machine.— The Last Blockbuster (@loneblockbuster) August 7, 2017
For the last time, our movies are organized alphabetically by year of release. It's not rocket science folks.— The Last Blockbuster (@loneblockbuster) July 26, 2017
If you're gonna whip donuts in the parking lot at least put your hazards on.— The Last Blockbuster (@loneblockbuster) July 31, 2017
Every single year the strip mall has a sidewalk sale. And every single year Colleen forgets that the sun melts DVDs like butter.— The Last Blockbuster (@loneblockbuster) June 10, 2017
Hey Willow Gramphorn, please return our copy of Orgasmic Birth. You're not the only woman who wants to have an orgasmic birth you know.— The Last Blockbuster (@loneblockbuster) July 10, 2017
For decades people have said our business model will be our downfall and you know what? We have to commend them on their spot on analysis.— The Last Blockbuster (@loneblockbuster) June 7, 2017
We may not be what we used to be but neither is Michael Jordan.— The Last Blockbuster (@loneblockbuster) May 29, 2017
If you knew how much time we spend arranging our cutouts each morning you wouldn't be so willing to place them into sexual positions.— The Last Blockbuster (@loneblockbuster) May 21, 2017
A lot of people don't know this but we own a large portion of Netflix. Just kidding our electricity just got shut off.— The Last Blockbuster (@loneblockbuster) June 17, 2017
Here at Blockbuster, we have one motto: If the hot oil from our popcorn machine scalds you, you get 25% off any candy purchase.— The Last Blockbuster (@loneblockbuster) August 1, 2017
We're watching Titanic and the boobs part starts in like 15 minutes if you guys wanna get down here.— The Last Blockbuster (@loneblockbuster) July 30, 2017
We're excited to announce that all August our empty shelf space will be rented out by Sue Ann's Incense & Island Living Literature.— The Last Blockbuster (@loneblockbuster) July 18, 2017
A blockbuster gift certificate is a great way to apologize to your sister.— The Last Blockbuster (@loneblockbuster) July 13, 2017
And to finish off this round-up, a genuinely touching one that has made me quite upset, actually:
I really hope this is real, because it makes me happy that there’s someone still working at a Blockbuster, and having a good time. I tried on numerous occasions to apply for a job at my local store, but never got the gig (maybe something to do with scratching my phone number into the I Still Know What You Did Last Summer DVD), and I’ll be honest here – my life is incomplete because of it.
Either way: forever rent, Blockbusters, forever rent.