Who was the real star of the election? No, not Jeremy Corbyn. Don’t be silly. Not even close.
No, the guy who stole all our hearts, with the most sensible manifesto around, was Lord Buckethead, who stood against Theresa May in Maidenhead and scooped 249 votes, narrowly missing out on unseating the Prime Minister, who responded to the mention of his name when it was read out, upon announcement of the vote, with a subtle eye roll.
But John Oliver is convinced that he is the negotiator we need right now, with Brexit talks due to start immimently; and he backed up his belief by flying him over to New York to appear on his Last Week Tonight show.
“The United Kingdom, the country that’s been saying ‘yas queen!’ for centuries, held a national election this week. There wasn’t actually due to be one for three years, but prime minister Theresa May called it early. It’s called a snap election and she did it to consolidate her power, although it din’t quite work out that way.
“Yes, this was a clusterfuck or, to be more precise, a crumpet-fuck, of epic proportions. Theresa May is hanging onto her job by a thread. To stay in power, she’s attempting to cut a distasteful deal with the DUP, a hardline anti-gay, anti-abortion party in Northern Ireland, which has opened her up to even more criticism. Meanwhile, there are rumors of a leadership challenge from within her own party by Boris Johnson, a grown man who perpetually looks like a seven-year-old who just spun in circles for three minutes and is about to throw up.
“British politics has a proud tradition of having all candidates stand together on the stage when the results are announced, which means that on election night, as her party was dealt a massive blow, the prime minister had to stand on stage alongside Elmo, who got three votes, as well as Howling Laud Hope of the Monster Raving Loony party, who got 119 votes.”
Oliver went on to introduce the candidate Lord Buckethead, saying,“You can roll your eyes all you like, Theresa, but your evening just found a way to get a lot worse. And for the record, Lord Buckethead is an intergalactic space lord who ran on a platform of, among other things, ‘the abolition of the House of Lords (except me)’ and ‘stop selling arms to Saudi Arabia, start buying lasers from Lord Buckethead’. And he did this all while looking like Darth Vader fucked an Amazon Echo.”
Regarding Brexit, he said: “Broadly speaking, the question is whether the UK will have a hard or a soft Brexit. Within that hard/soft framework are decisions that will affect a lot of lives. Take immigration. There are currently 3 million EU citizens living in the UK and 1.2 million British citizens living in Europe, all of whom presumably wouldn’t mind knowing where they’re going to be allowed to live and what their rights might be in just two years’ time.
“In eight days, the UK is set to walk into a negotiation with no real leverage, no significant political mandate, and no coherent plan. I don’t really have a solution to that, but I do have a proposal for Theresa May, because at this point you have basically fucked everything up and your only real chance here is to utilize the element of surprise.
“So how about instead of sending a career negotiator, why not send someone that there is no way they would expect? I’m talking about someone bold, unafraid to call it how it is. Someone with a firm, leather-clad grasp of the issues. Someone with a bucket-list of demands and an honest, slightly muffled voice. That’s right, I’m talking about the intergalactic space lord himself.
“If you are still prime minister by the time this show airs, I implore you, send the Dark Lord for Brussels. Is it an absurd idea? Yes. But it would not even be close to the stupidest thing that you have ever done.”