So, you’ve spent years of your life saving up for a house. Twenty, maybe even 30 years, to get your nice little semi-detached in Salford. You love it. It’s the first place you’ve ever really been able to call home since you moved out of your childhood bedroom.
Then one day, you see a lorry pull up opposite. “Bit weird,” you think, “what’s a lorry doing down a residential street? It must have got lost.”
It hasn’t got lost though, because now there are people getting out of the lorry, and they’ve opened up the back. Have the neighbours ordered a trampoline? Maybe they’ll let the kids come over and play on it on weekends?
The neighbours haven’t ordered a trampoline. Nope. What they’ve got is a statue. Not just any statue, a statue of a giant head. A giant head that belongs to Jeremy Clarkson.
This isn’t real is it? You’re dreaming, surely? The house opposite haven’t just put up a six-foot statue of Jeremy Clarkson’s head in their front garden, because that isn’t a thing people do.
And yet the lorry is gone, and the head isn’t. The head’s there, staring at you with its cold, stony eyes. Jeremy Clarkson’s cold, stony eyes.
You’re going to have to say something about this. It’s not something you can really let go, is it? You’re going to have to bring up the massive Clarkson head, and you’re going to have to do it now. Can’t let this one go, really.
You knock on the door. “Uh, sorry mate,” you say, feeling embarrassed for some reason, like it’s you that’s the one that has a fuck-off massive Jeremy Clarkson head sitting in their front garden, “I can’t help but notice that you have a fuck-off massive Jeremy Clarkson head sitting in your front garden?”
“Oh yeah that,” the neighbour replies. “That’s my six-foot Jeremy Clarkson head statue, that is.”
“Oh, so you know it’s there then? You’re aware of this thing that’s happening to your house, and you’re like, fine with it?”
You find out that they won the head as part of a Grand Tour competition, because of course they did. And also that it wasn’t even your neighbour that won it, it was their 15-year-old son who entered for a bit of a laugh and accidentally won.
“It’s the first time my son’s ever won anything!” your neighbour tells you with pride.
Great. That’s really great, mate. I’m so happy for your son. It’s just so great.
Thankfully for the actual person who has to live opposite this actual Clarkson head, it’s not going to be there forever. The Grand Tour plan to move the head around the country, along with two others, of James May and Richard Hammond.
So maybe soon you won’t have to imagine you’re living opposite a giant, stone Jeremy Clarkson head, because you might really get to.
Images: Rex Features