News

Is Hillary Clinton dead?

Posted by
Tristan Cross
Published

Now you might look at that headline and flatly answer: ‘No. Hillary Clinton is not dead, I am someone with their finger and the pulse and would have heard by now if Hillary Clinton is dead.” Then some doubt might creep in, after remembering her recent problems with pneumonia, and you might Google ‘hillary clinton dead’ and find this.

This is Hillary Clinton’s Wikipedia page, where it notes she has been born, is still married to Bill Clinton but is also currently and distinctly not-dead. Look, here she is on ABC News saying she’s “feeling great!”

A dead person wouldn’t feel great, because they’d feel nothing at all. Hillary Clinton is definitely not dead. ABC News wouldn’t lie to us.

Then you find this news report of the above news report and discover that the anchor meant to say ‘health’ and not ‘death’, and now you’re momentarily relaxed, reassured. But if that was the case then how come ABC also reported this on their website?

Now your curiosity has been piqued. You’re all like, “Okay, I’ll take this to renowned font of up-to-date and factual information full of people in-the-know, Twitter, they’ll give me peace of mind.”

“Err… What?”

“Yes,” you say, zooming into the picture and cross-referencing it against your extensive ‘Pics of Hillary’s Nose and Ears’ folder. “Her nose and ears are very different.”

“Damn,” you say, extracting your measuring tape and pressing it against your screen. “That is a long index finger.”

You’re leant so far forward now that you’ve unknowingly stood up, your glasses have fallen off your head and your face is practically inside your computer screen.

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You’ve now inadvertently eaten the entire cigar you hadn’t realised you’d started smoking. You also keep exclaiming “Holy smokes” to no one in particular.

“Who is this woman?!” You’re yelling now. You’ve got the FBI on the phone in one hand, and MI5 on the other. “It’s the 2016 Democrat candidate Hillary Clinton,” they reply. “Not her you blathering idiots!” You throw all five coffee cups you had your secretary make you and subsequently drank in the last two minutes across the room, and they shatter in unison against your wall. “The other one!” They fire over a classified email containing this link:

“Find out what Theresa Lilly Barnwell’s been up to today!” You scream, ripping another eight cups of coffee out of your secretary’s hands, downing them within seconds. “THIS INSTANT!”

“That settles it,” you mutter to yourself, pacing up and down your bedroom when you get back home. "Hillary Clinton is dead. Or else there are two Hillary Clintons. And one of them is dead.” You set about planning your tribute and make plans to send Bill a condolences card. But then...

Your email lights up. New intel.

A dead end. Or rather, an end to the dead rumours. Of course Hillary hasn’t been replaced by a lookalike. How would possibly get away with entering a well-documented lookalike into the US Presidential race? It wouldn’t take a teen with a pirated copy of Photoshop and a few grainy photos to expose her, everyone would notice instantly. You’d go “that’s not Hillary Clinton” immediately and nobody would vote for her. It’d be a terrible idea. You feel silly now.

People are laughing at you, you idiot.

At least this person feels sorry for you.

You’re still a buffoon.