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TFL has acknowledged that the central line is hotter than the sun and promise to fix it in '12 years'

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Gary Ogden
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It is extremely hot, but don’t sweat it - TFL are here to help!

Are you tired of people talking about the weather yet? About how hot it is? Stressing over which tube line is the hottest one? No, you are not, because you, personally, are not tired of talking about the weather yet. You, your mates, your family, everyone and their dog, the ghosts, the aliens and the celestial beings that live amongst us on a higher plane; they are all talking about how goddamn hot it is at the moment. Especially if they have just got off the tube. 

If, at some point in the day, they have been on the London Underground, then you had better prime your ear for a right weather-based bashing, baby.

Yes, the tube is a hell-hole at the moment. Put some ants in a Pringles packet and then place it on a fire - that is the miniature equivalent of what is happening whenever a human steps foot on a tube carriage. So naturally, people are complaining:

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Thankfully, TFL have it all under control:

Phew! Only got to wait 12 years until it’s fixed! ACTUAL PHEW! DON’T BOTHER SWEATING, EVERYONE, BECAUSE YOU’LL BE MUCH COOLER IN 12 YEARS!

This is a terrible, but also sublime, answer. The level of respect we feel towards this tweet - from someone named “Sol”, of course - is hard to measure. On a scale of one to the-single-most-brazen-display-of-nonchalance-ever-recorded it reaches even further than the very highest echelon. It’s off the scale.

“Hi, erm, I bought this kettle and it doesn’t seem to be boiling any water.”

“No worries Sir, we can organise an exchange for you no problem. Simply fill out this form and we’ll send you a replacement. In 12 years. We’ll send you a replacement in 12 years’ time. In 12 years you can have your new kettle. Hopefully this is satisfactory? That you can have your new, working kettle in 12 years? When you are 12 years older? In 12 years? Thanks, Kettle.”

Real good stuff from TFL, there. Also, the “Deep Tube Upgrade Program” is a made-up thing isn’t it? Sounds like something you’d need to get done at hospital if you “slipped and fell and landed on a chair leg, I promise”. Sol there, just outright making things up and hoping that nobody will remember in 12 years. Love it, props, karma, fist-pump.

So yeah, you’re just going to have to deal with the boiling hot Central Line, like Pringle-ants - you’ve gotta button up and shut it for the next 12 years. And that goes for all the other tube lines - because it’s not just the Central that’s a sweaty hollow sausage filled with overheating giblets. You see, the actual hottest tube line is the Bakerloo - who’d have thought it? It hits an average temperature of 27C, which is absolutely unacceptable, when you think about it. That’s compared to the Central’s 26.1C (also unacceptable).

In case you were wondering, here’s what you have to deal with, on average, on the rest of the lines:

Which tube lines are the hottest on average?

For a reference point in terms of what is an acceptable level of heat - the legalEU legislation temperature in the UK for transporting cattle is 30C. A temperature that the central line far exceeded back in 2014.

1. Bakerloo - 27C

2. Central - 26.1C

3. Northern - 25.2C

4. Victoria - 24.1C

5. Piccadilly - 23.2C

6. Jubilee - 22.9C

7. Waterloo & City - 22.2C

8. District/Circle/Hammersmith & City/Metropolitan - 18.5C

Uuuuuh yeah, that cool Hammersmith & City - suck in the icy goodness, strip your clothes off and lie face down on the frosty floor, lick a handrail, get your tongue stuck, go skiing. Love H&C, hate Bakerloo.

(Image: Getty)

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Gary Ogden

Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the screaming thing though. @garyblogden

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