News

Giant spiders are coming into your house to have sex in your bed

Posted by
Tom Victor
Published

It’s a long bank holiday weekend, you’re looking forward to having a lie-in without a care in the world.

It would be terrible if you were interrupted by spiders screwing right next to your head, wouldn’t it.

Sadly, it’s 2017, which means the literal opposite of what we all want to happen is happening.

I guess we’ve got to fit in a whole bunch of new and horrible experiences before Donald Trump blows up the planet because someone told him Kim Jong-un laughed at his ear-hair, or some shit.

So yeah, unfortunately that also means massive fucking spiders. Literally massive, and literally fucking.

How massive is massive? Big enough to set off motion sensors and burglar alarms, at least.

You see, it’s mating season in spider-land. And by spider-land I mean your house. And more specifically, your bed. Where you sleep. Well not anymore, it’s the spider’s bed now.

Want to see more of the massive spiders? Presumably not, but we’ve found these photos now and – let’s be honest – where else are we going to be able to use them?

The Manchester Evening News has shared tips from Rentokil on how to deal with the eight-legged fuckers, and it’s fairly self explanatory.

Hoover everywhere. Yes, even there. And for god’s sake get rid of any webs you can see. It’s almost like you want a spider sex party in your room, you deviant.

Gaps in the wall are a no-no, and best move that compost heap nearby. Oh, and fewer flies means fewer spiders. They might be looking for space to do the do, but they need food too.

So now you know.

It’s probably too late, though. They’re probably already there, lying back on your pillow with a spider-sized post-coital cigarette. Sorry you had to find out this way.

(Main image: iStock)