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We’ve seen enough films to know this creepy, newly discovered sarcophagus shouldn’t be opened

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Gary Ogden
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We’ve seen enough films to know this creepy, newly discovered sarcophagus shouldn’t be opened

This is terrifying and it should be left well alone - have you even seen The Mummy?

One thing you should not mess with, is graves. Like, don’t mess with normal ones that you might find in a graveyard in England - leave them alone, because of ghosts - but absolutely do not sodding go anywhere near ancient Egyptian ones. Don’t fiddle about with spooky unopened tombs - not because of ghosts, but because of mummies. They’re like ghosts, except with toilet paper, and they’ll stick a big coat hanger up your nose and pull out your brain like in Tales From The Darkside: The Movie. “Wtf!” you may say, if that happened to you.

But obviously, people prefer to remain oblivious to our warnings, and as such, a big, scary grave has recently been unearthed in Alexandria, on the northern coast of Egypt, while clearing the site for a new building. God, just look at this five-metre-deep hell-hole:

Absolutely not, never, no, get out, leave, fill it in, stop it, stop it, STOP IT.

This thing, you see, is massive. At 185 cm (72.8 inches) tall, 265 cm (104.3 inches) long, and 165 cm (65 inches) wide, it’s the biggest ever found in Alexandria - seriously, there is a very large mummy inside there. And you better believe it’s going to rip your guts out if you open that lid.

Then there’s this:

Yeah, good one - imagine seeing that thing and even entertaining any semblance of a thought that involved you prising open an alarmingly huge and definitely cursed coffin containing a giant undead bastard that’s just itching to pull your entire jaw off and punch your head off. Haha, really good one!

Ayman Ashmawy from the Egypt Ministry of Antiquities says that there’s a layer of mortar still intact between the lid and the body of the coffin, which means it hasn’t been opened since it was sealed, which was more than 2,000 years ago. That mummy really wants to get out, basically.

It’s also a very rare find - it’s not often that tombs are found undisturbed - often looters have already made their sneaky way to them and pilfered all the jewels and whatnot. 

However, this one is completely intact, which somehow makes it far more terrifying in almost every possible way. Maybe every other person that tried to reach the tomb drowned in quicksand. Perhaps they all fell through a wooden floor onto some spikes. Were immediately skinned by an inexplicable swarm of scarab beetles. All absolutely plausible events to have happened in the vicinity of this unsanctified death-pit.

The whole site dates back to the Ptolemaic period, which was between 305 BCE and 30 BCE, so a real, proper long time ago, a long enough time to really piss off a person who’s been holed up inside a black box (probably someone of a high status, due to its size) without access to WiFi. I just hope everyone’s happy when it finally gets open and King Cob-On slams out of it, screaming a massive plume of sand into the sky and starts punting people’s hearts through their backs. Hope you big dusty nerds are all pleased with yourselves then. Archaeology, pah! I prefer keeping my internal organs, thanks!

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(Image: Getty)

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the screaming thing though. @garyblogden

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