Yeah, good one, it’s not like you had any chance to use one anyway
If you are a legend, like a proper one - a real, stone-cold, tough-guy, big-man one - then you’ll probably have had sex before. If you’re an extra, super, mega-hard one, then you might even be expecting some in the future. You’re cool, you are - everyone should be jealous of how hip and sick and can-do-ollies you are, you absolute shagger. Such a shagger! SHAGGER ALERT!
But hey, you better stop shagging immediately - as tough as it is for you - because there’s a bit of a problem on the horizon, that could lead to an even bigger problem for you and your philandering ways, if you’re not careful.
Essentially - check your condoms, because they may be faulty. Durex is recalling huge amounts of them - specifically the Real Feel and Latex Free ranges - and it’s wise you check out your stash to see if you’re at risk.
John Wilkinson, from the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency’s (MHRA) said:
“It’s important that you check the batch numbers to see if you have a product from an affected batch. If you have, stop using them as there is a risk that they will tear or leak.
“If you have any questions, please speak to your healthcare professional or sexual health provider.
“We strongly encourage anyone to report any issues with this product, or more generally with any medical device, to our Yellow Card Scheme.”
Durex has also warned of which batches may be faulty:
“Our tests have shown that some batches which are currently on the market in UK & Ireland do not pass the requirements for burst pressure towards the end of the shelf life for the product.
“The expiry date of the affected batches is between Dec. 2020 and Feb. 2021.
“There is no immediate safety concern for consumers and only a limited number of batches are affected. However, working closely with the relevant regulatory authorities we have decided to recall the following Durex Real Feel & Durex Latex Free batches.”
Here are the affected batches:
Durex Real Feel 6 Pack, Batch Number 1000438054, Expiry Date Jan-2021
Durex Real Feel 12 Pack, Batch Number 1000444370, Expiry Date Feb-2021
Durex Real Feel 12 Pack, Batch Number 1000474804, Expiry Date Feb-2021
Durex Latex Free 12 Pack, Batch Number 1000444367, Expiry Date Feb-2021
Durex Latex Free 12 Pack, Batch Number 1000433145, Expiry Date Jan-2021
Durex Real Feel 12 Pack, Batch Number 1000419930, Expiry Date Jan-2021
Durex Real Feel 12 Pack, Batch Number 1000444367, Expiry Date Feb-2021
Durex Real Feel 12 Pack, Batch Number 1000416206, Expiry Date Dec-2020
Durex Real Feel 18 Pack, Batch Number 1000434066, Expiry Date Jan-2021
Durex Real Feel 18 Pack, Batch Number 1000430479, Expiry Date Jan-2021
If you’ve got a faulty batch, you can return it to the store and get a refund, or alternatively you can post them to:
RB CONSUMER RELATIONS
PO BOX 4644
So if you want to keep on being a right old card, a full-on, 100mph legend, then you need to put the brakes on and have a check - only then can you continue on your quest to become the world’s most storied shagger, a mythical beast that shall enter the sexual pantheon as its most respected libertine.
Haha only joking you’d be lucky to get a kiss with those chat-up lines. State of you.