Good morning and welcome to this week’s installment of What The Actual Fuck Is Donald Trump On.
Last night the mighty orange one held an impromptu press conference with the US media in what would have been Press Secretary Sean McShouty Spicer’s usual address.
What started as a scripted announcement about a new labor secretary nominee quickly descended into an hour of incoherent waffle from the president on everything from how much he won by (yes, he still won’t drop that even though he’s got the numbers wrong), nuclear holocaust, Hillary Clinton making America look like jerks (his words), assuming a black reporter was friends with the Congressional Black Caucus and promised he was “loving this” and “not ranting and raving”.
Here are the most bizarre moments from the conference:
Once again he reported his winning numbers before NBC reporter Peter Alexander pointed out that they were in fact incorrect
When he insisted that he has made “incredible progress”:
“I don't think there's ever been a president elected who in this short period of time has done what we've done.”
And called his administration a “well-oiled machine” (lol):
“I'll be in Melbourne, Florida five o'clock on Saturday and I heard - just heard that the crowds are massive that want to be there. I turn on the T.V., open the newspapers and I see stories of chaos. Chaos. Yet it is the exact opposite. This administration is running like a fine- tuned machine, despite the fact that I can't get my cabinet approved.”
When he told a Jewish reporter asking about the rise in anti-semetism to be quiet:
When he explained what he’s been up to in foreign affairs:
“On foreign affairs, we've already begun enormously productive talks with many foreign leaders, much of it you've covered, to move forward towards stability, security and peace in the most troubled regions of the world, which there are many.
“We have had great conversations with the United Kingdom, and meetings. Israel, Mexico, Japan, China and Canada, really, really productive conversations. I would say far more productive than you would understand.”
When he brought up his controversial border policies:
“Some people are so surprised that we're having strong borders. Well, that's what I've been talking about for a year and a half, strong borders. They're so surprised, oh, he having strong borders, well that's what I've been talking about to the press and to everybody else.
“One promise after another after years of politicians lying to you to get elected. They lied to the American people in order to get elected. Some of the things I'm doing probably aren't popular but they're necessary for security and for other reasons.”
He said Michael Flynn didn’t do anything wrong and Russia was fake news:
And said the American people are happy with what he’s doing:
“I will not back down from defending our country. I got elected on defense of our country. I keep my campaign promises, and our citizens will be very happy when they see the result. They already are, I can tell you that. Extreme vetting will be put in place and it already is in place in many places.”
But couldn’t say if Flynn lied:
"The thing is, he didn't tell our vice president properly, and then he said he didn't remember ... that just wasn't acceptable to me."
But did confirm the leaks were real:
"The leaks are absolutely real. The news is fake because so much of the news is fake."
When he denied ranting and raving, with a rant and rave:
He denied knowledge of whether anyone from his team colluded with the Russian government during the campaign:
"Nobody that I know of. How many times do I have to answer this question? Russia is a ruse. I have nothing to do with Russia. Haven't made a phone call to Russia in years."
And called all of Russia fake news:
"Russia is fake news. Russia – this is fake news put out by the media. The real news is the fact that people, probably from the Obama administration because they’re there, because we have our new people going in place, right now."
But did talk about NUCLEAR war with them:
"We're a very powerful nuclear country and so are they. I have been briefed. And I can tell you, one thing about a briefing that we're allowed to say, because anybody that ever read the most basic book can say it, nuclear holocaust would be like no other. They're a very powerful nuclear country, and so are we."
And talked about shooting one of their ships that is near Connecticut:
"The greatest thing I could do [politically] is shoot that ship that's 30 miles offshore right out of the water."
He then got annoyed that people were finding out what he was up to:
“I called, as you know, Mexico. It was a very, very confidential, classified call. But I called Mexico. And in calling Mexico, I figured, oh, well that's -- I spoke to the president of Mexico; I had a good call. All of a sudden, it's out there for the world to see. It's supposed to be secret. It's supposed to be either confidential or classified, in that case.
“Same thing with Australia. All of a sudden, people are finding out exactly what took place. The same thing happened with respect to General Flynn. Everybody saw this. And I'm saying -- the first thing I thought of when I heard about it is: How does the press get this information that's classified? How do they do it?
“You know why? Because it's an illegal process and the press should be ashamed of themselves. But more importantly, the people that gave out the information to the press should be ashamed of themselves, really ashamed.”
He promised he was actually a good person while also giving a vocabulary lesson:
"And I'll tell you what else I see. I see tone. You know the word 'tone'? The tone is such hatred. I'm really not a bad person, by the way. No, but the tone is such – I do get good ratings, you have to admit that – the tone is such hatred."
He said drugs are cheaper than candy bars...:
"We've ordered the Department of Homeland Security and the Department of Justice to coordinate on a plan to destroy criminal cartels coming into the United States with drugs. We're becoming a drug-infested nation. Drugs are becoming cheaper than candy bars."
And tried to explain uranium while also taking digs at Hillary Clinton:
And asked a black reporter to set up a meeting for him with black members of congress:
April Ryan: "When you say the inner cities, are you going to include the CBC, Mr. President, in your conversations with your urban agenda, your inner-city agenda?"
Donald Trump: "Am I going to include who?
Ryan: "Are you going to include the Congressional Black Caucus and the Congressional Hispanic Caucus?"
Trump: "Well, I would. I tell you what: Do you want to set up the meeting? Do you want to set up the meeting?"
Ryan: "No, no, no. I’m just a reporter."
Trump: "Are they friends of yours? Set up the meeting."
At least SNL will be working with gold this week.