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The DEA has released an extensive and totally ridiculous list of street names for drugs

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Gary Ogden
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Gone are the days of boring old “cocaine” or “weed”, and what the hell is “acid”, granddad? No, if you don’t wanna be a geek on the street, then you gotsta learn the lingo otherwise you’ll be lying in dirt, son.

But if you’re a cop, how are you supposed to stay up to date with all the slang being bandied about the drug scene? If you overhear someone down the wire talking about selling some blue smarties, are they plying illegal drugs, or are they actually just selling blue smarties? You can’t arrest someone for selling chocolate, unless of course chocolate is another name for heroin. Who knows? I’ll stick with my actual blue smarties (they still get you messed up).

Anyway, to help all the clueless po-po over in the US, the DEA has released a giant (like, seriously giant. We’re talking jolly green here. Also a name for weed, probably) list of street names for drugs. And basically, the point of this article is not to educate, but to make fun of some of the really silly names that people use for drugs. 

The list is broken down into parts, and so I’m going to run with the same theme. So might as well get on with it – here are the funniest slang names for drugs in the DEA’s new list:

Amphetamine

B-Bombs; Blue Boys; Cartwheels; Chicken Powder; Co-Pilot; Coasts to Coasts; Goofballs; Head Drugs; Road Dope; Snow Pallets; Sparkle Plenty; West Coast Turnarounds.

Cocaine

All-American Drug; Aunt Nora; Bernie’s Gold Dust; Big Bloke; California Pancakes; Car; Crusty Treats; Designer Jeans; Devil’s Dandruff; Flea Market Jeans; Gift of the Sun; Mama Coca; Rims; Ski Equipment; T-Shirts; White Mercedes Benz.

Couple of lines of Big Bloke, there

Crack Cocaine

Beam Me Up; Beautiful Boulders; Breakfast of Champions; Crunch & Munch; Rocks of Hell; Tension.

Heroin

Aunt Hazel; Beyonce; Chocolate Balls; Galloping Horse; Mexican Treat; Mortal Combat (spelled wrong – clearly they were saying it with a K); Nice and Easy; Pants; Snickers.

Hydrocodone

Bananas.

Ketamine

Blind Squid; Cat Valium; Super Acid.

LSD

Bart Simpson; Big D; Chinese Dragons; Dental Floss; Dinosaurs; Electric Kool Aid; Golf Balls; Grape Parfait; Hats; Jesus Christ Acid; Live, Spit & Die; Mind Detergent; Mother of God; Newspapers; Pink Robots; Pink Witches; Pizza; Square Dancing Tickets; Uncle Sid.

Marijuana

Animal Cookies; Bambalachacha; BC Budd; Blue Cheese; Crying Weed; Giggle Smoke; Girl Scout Cookies; Grand Daddy Purp; Lime Pillows; Little Green Friends; Mowing the Lawn; Queen Ann’s Lace; Rainy Day Woman; Righteous Bush; Smoochy Woochy Poochy; White-Haired Lady.

MDMA

Booty Juice; Kleenex.

Methamphetamine

Blue Bell Ice Cream; Beers; Evil Sister; Groceries; Pantalones; Peanut Butter Crank; Pointy Ones.

PCP

Alien Sex Fiend (mixed with heroin); Butt Naked; Embalming Fluid; Gorilla Biscuits; Super Kools.

Percocet (Acetaminophen and Oxycodone)

Rims; Tires; Wheels.

Xanax

Bars; Bicycle Handle Bars.

Think we can all agree that LSD hogs all the best names though. “Hats” killed me for some reason. I might start taking acid just so I can ask for some hats.

“Oi mate, you got any-”

“Fuck’s sake, keep your voice down.”

“Sorry, just wondering if you had any, you know-”

“Oh shit, feds, run.”

*Five minutes later*

“Alright mate, just wondering about those-”

“Yeah mate, what you want? I got pills, coke, weed, anything.”

“You got any, erm, you got any-”

“What? Have I got any what? Spit it out mate.”

“Hats.”

“What?”

“Hats. You got any hats?”

“Hats? Yeah got loadsa hats mate. You shoulda said. These’ll make your head feel fucking weird.”

*Hands over a small bag of hats*

“Cheers mate. This’ll be perfect for tonight’s party.”

“No worries. Ever need anymore hats, gimme a call.”

WAS HE BUYING DRUGS OR ACTUAL HATS? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE ANSWER.*

*Don’t

(Image: iStock)

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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