We don't use the phrase 'World Exclusive' lightly, people. What we have right here is the first interview ever agreed to by target-smashing Twitter star Complete Ledge. Ledge, lest we forget, is the party-loving, collar-popping penis who, along with his mate Damo, plans to snort the world's current supply of 'beak'. If you're not following him on Twitter consider us ex-friends.
What do you drive?
Toyota Avensis T4 Sport with full leather interior. Standard. Couple of mods: Relentless mini-fridge, No Fear body kit, in-car entertainment designed in close conjunction with DJ Ramjet from Midlands superclub Alley Katz, in Corby.
Summer holiday plans?
To get f*cking booted fella. Have you seen Geordie Shore: Chaos in Cancun? That, but with more fingering.
Tell us about a typical Friday?
Friday is typically a day of rest... Of resting my balls on your mum's chin!
But seriously:
8am – Attempt to work out which student halls I’m in. Escape.
10am - Lube up the phone and begin bumf*cking my sales targets.
11am - Second floor disableds, c*ck in hand. Eye of the Tiger on the iPod speakers. Oakleys on.
11.10am - Back in the game. Attempt to crowbar comedy phrases into sales calls. Any deal that is closed doing a Borat voice or Terry Tibbs is worth double.
11.30am – All Bar One with the team for muchos pintos and slag-perusing. Meet some of our ‘Albanian’ clients. This usually winds down around 9-10pm depending on how much the team has humiliated their targets that week. On a good afternoon you’ll get fingers and tops by 4pm.
9pm – I have no idea what I do at 9pm on a Friday, mate.
4am – Get thrown out of ‘Chantelle’s Mystery Lounge’, pants round ankles.
Talk us through your wardrobe. What do you wear to feel good?
Italian style all the way, fella. A good solid Paul And Shark polo in pastel. Collar worn in the ‘popped’ position. Standard. Oakley wraparounds. Like in Top Gun. Timeless eyewear. Bottom half - boot cuts by Voi - simply the Ray Winstone (ie the daddy) of distressed denim. I’d set this off with some classic Italian slip-ons such as Crocs.
Favourite movie of all time?
That BENTON!!! one on Youtube. Proper lol. I shout that at festivals. Lol. Or, Showgirls. Simples.
Favourite tune?
Lager Lager Lager by Underground or DJ Otzi Hey Baby. There are few girls in the world who can resist having this sung, at full volume, in their face.
Which football team do you support and what are your predictions for this season’s Premier League?
I’d say Manchester. For both questions. Going to stick a nifty on Fernando Tevez as top scorer, despite him playing for Arsenal.
You admit to, erm, recreational drugs. Any plans to knock them on the head?
I plan to do more.
What’s your favourite alcoholic drink?
Booze. Definitely.
Matt Horne follows you. What’s he like?
The Horne Dog? Man’s a classic. I've never seen anyone drink as much poppers as I saw him do in V Festival corporate VIP 2009. He called it the Horne Cocktail. Top fella. I’m phoning this in from his Cayenne right now. Wassssssup!!!
So, where do you work and what do you do?
After getting a Douglas (Hurd) in Sports Science from Loughborough Uni I got fast-tracked into the world of sales. My job is to get clients frothing at the g*sh with first-class phone banter, and punish my targets, just like I was punishing your mum last night.
Can we ask what you earned last year?
Including commish, backhanders and MKAT sales? F*ck knows mate. It bought a lot of Fleshlight accessories and rounds of ‘buca, put it that way. CASHOLA.
We imagine ShortList isn’t your favourite magazine. What is?
You said it was Knave on the phone, mate. Anyway, I used to read ZOO but it got a little low-brow. Probably go for something like Nuts or Front these days.
You tweet often about your pal 'Damo'. How did you two meet?
He was on my sales induction training at work. I fell asleep at one point and like a silent assassin he 'pen-c*cked' me with a Sharpie. He remained schtum, even when I was chatting to our Global MD in the meet and greet afterwards, with a giant spunking c*ck drawn on my face. Once it had all blown over I realised he was an absolute legend after my own heart.
What's your favourite Damo story?
Not realising it was the two minute's silence for Rememberance Day, last year, while he was on a sales call. He boshed the sale and gave a victory blast on the Carling vuluveza he keeps on his desk. It marked his 4th disciplinary in November alone.
Finally if your house was on fire what 5 things would you save?
• Literature: Ultimate Hard Bastards: The Truth About the Toughest Men in the World
• FBI (Female Body Inspector) t-shirt.
• Sharpie (for drawing pen cocks on anyone who passes out)
• As many Bluetooth headsets as I can carry
• Men Behaving Badly boxset
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