Got yourself a bit of a whizzy nose, have ya? Dribbly lips and a red head? Sweaty ears and frozen armpits? Fizzing legs and grey eyes? Spiky back and wispy elbows? Rude tummy and hilarious hair? Godzilla feet and Fray Bentos spine? You’ve probably got the flu, mate. Or maybe it’s a cold. Hard to tell, ain’t it?
Difficult knowing what you’ve got when you’re feeling under the weather, and one quick, misguided Google search can easily lead to the justified belief that you have a deadly flesh-eating bacteria and must immediately amputate your leg with a butter knife.
Best thing to do is just go to your doctor, really, like they used to do in the olden times, before the internet allowed people to self diagnose/have a panicked heart attack and die gripping their phone.
You’re not going to go to the doctor though, are you? It’s an effort, the waiting room stinks and is not a conducive environment for physical contact with anything - why are the seats covered in plastic, I do not trust them - so I’ve got the next best thing for you. A CHART.
The CDC (Centres for Disease Control and Prevention) have come up with an infographic that aims to lay out some of the basics for each condition, so you can at least have a punt at what you’ve got. Take a look below:
Essentially, the main thing to look out for is the speed in which your symptoms arise - if they’re slow, like a big ill worm creeping up and coughing right up your nostril, then it’s probably a cold; but if it’s quick, a big slap round the chops by a wheezing trout, then it’s likely to be the flu. Also, if your head’s-a-throbbing, then you could hazard you’re on the flu train rather than the cold, erm, train.
Of course, it may not be either, and you could have something far worse. So my suggestion - as a self-confessed ‘doctor’ - is to amputate. Just amputate everything. Take it all off. Nothing left. Head if need be. Only then will you ensure your survival.