Our industry’s in decline, we don’t make anything any more, we’re all xenophobic, our weather’s getting worse and the country’s generally going to the dogs.
But we British can hold our heads up high today, because we are top of the table for cocaine and gonorrhoea. Clearly, we all subscribe to Ian Dury’s view, that sex and drugs and rock and roll are very good indeed.
A new report, Health At A Glance: Europe 2016, from the European Commission and the OECD, reveals that the country with the highest percentage of young adults consuming cocaine in the entire continent is the UK. 4.2 per cent of people aged 15 to 34 used the drug in the last year, compared to a Europe-wide average of 1.9 per cent.
That means we’re over twice as good as the average European at boshing some charlie on a mad night out. Good job we voted Leave, the rest of them are clearly dragging us down.
Meanwhile, we’re not lagging behind in sex either, as the authors found that, in 2014, reported rates of gonorrhoea were highest in the UK. 60 out of every 100,000 people in Britain were found to have the STI, compared to a European average of 20 per 100,000.
That’s right guys – we’re three times as prolific at getting the clap as the dull squares in Europe. Eat that Juncker and the rest of you banana-straightening bores!
Vytenis Andriukaitis, European Commissioner for health and food safety, stated: "The Health At A Glance report provides useful information for member states to shape their actions on health across all policies. It shows that in the EU many people die every year from potentially avoidable diseases linked to risk factors such as smoking or obesity."
Off-the-record, he added: “The UK is clearly a country made up of a load of absolute heroes who are the first on the dancefloor and the last to bed who seriously know how to get the party started. Brussels is going to be so boring once they leave the EU, we’re all absolutely gutted. Who is going to lead the all-night benders now? The Belgians? Are you serious? They’re tucked up in bed by 9. Come back guys, we need you.”