What is bitcoin? I do not know, but I think it’s some sort of fake currency that will ruin the lives of anyone who gets involved with it. This is why I am staying well away, wearing a cryptocurrency-proof vest and counting coins, real ones, 24/7.
But hey, some people have ‘mined’ it (?), and are either making (good one!) or losing (that’s more like it) money on it, somehow. It’s something I don’t understand, and when all my friends who trusted it cash in all their free money and are swishing about in Lambos and super-yachts, I will regret my decision. But until then - suckers!
Anyway, there’s been a big crash recently, as I knew there would be, and because it means that people are losing all their money, they need something to desperately blame. And that thing, of course, is the moon. It’s all the goddamn moon’s fault, coming over here, shining a light, mocking our cheese.
There is a logical reason behind this scapegoat, though - it’s the Lunar New Year. 16 February marks this important date in many Asian countries’ calendars, and it’s having an adverse effect on the value of bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies. Alexander Wallin, chief executive officer of trading social network SprinkleBit in New York, says:
“The January drop is a recurring theme in cryptocurrencies as people celebrating the Chinese New Year, aka Lunar New Year, exchange their crypto for fiat [real] currency.
“The timing is about four to six weeks before the lunar year, when most people make their travel arrangements and start buying presents.”
So it’s everyone cashing in to buy gifts for the holiday, basically. The same thing happened last year, too, with a drop from a high of $1,162 to $752 in January - the total cryptocurrency market peaked on 5 January at $22 billion, before plummeting to $14 billion just a week later.
The effect of the Lunar New Year causes such a dent because Chinese yuan and Korean won account for a large part of bitcoin trading volume. However, whereas they used to hold the biggest share, they have recently dropped slightly due to ‘regulatory crackdowns’, causing US dollars and Japanese yen to account for way over half the volume. Regardless of the minutiae, all cryptocurrency surged by 1,400% last year, so either way you’re 100% going to lose all your money and move to the sewer, no matter where you’re from.
Please take my advice and stay away from it, especially if you went to school with me and are planning on attending our 30-year reunion, because if you don’t, I’m gonna key your stupid Lambo.
(Image: Bryan Goff)