It’s all well and good having that big beard that you’ve got there - it looks lovely and silky and manly and scary and whatever it is you want it to look like. Well done, on the beard, to you, for having it.
But the thing is, it’s not actually all well and good - there are bad things lurking, unsavoury secrets hidden within, and if you’re not careful, they’re going to cause you problems. Soon, that hefty chunk of scruff you’ve got dangling off your face will be resolutely not worth the hassle of growing it. Unless of course, you look after it properly.
What I’m trying to say is: your beard might have a bunch of STIs in it, innit.
According to Dr Daniel Fenton, medical director at London Doctors Clinic, owning a big beard can act as a lovely little housing development for a host of nasty infections that can then be encouraged to move house and set up a life elsewhere, spreading their bile across the lands. Not an ideal scenario, basically.
What we’re looking at here, specifically, is two sexually-transmitted conditions: pubic lice and herpes Type 1. Unfortunately, lice can be transferred through oral sex, and if the beard isn’t properly treated, then they will happily chill out in your bum fluff until you next get saucy, whereby a few nominated individuals can dutifully jump ship once more. The cycle continues, annoyingly.
It’s much the same with herpes (HSV1) - beards may hide cold sores, making transmission possible, so check you’ve not got one, or check whoever you’re kissing doesn’t have one either. These sores can be transferred to more painful areas, too - just so you know.
Thankfully, other STIs like chlamydia and gonorrhoea are not as much of a threat to your hirsute pursuit, as they find it hard to survive outside of the body for long periods of time. Other undesirables like HIV, syphilis and hepatitis also thankfully fall into the same bracket - good news for your chin. Dr Fenton reiterates:
“With that said, I think it is very important to debunk the myth of beards causing STIs. Whilst we have seen an increase in beards, there is no direct correlation between beards and Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs).”
But don’t relax - if you think you might have been in contact with someone harbouring an STI, and you’ve got a beard, then you need to be treating your beard as you would your privates. Essentially, take as many precautions with your facial hair as you do with whatever you’re working with downstairs. And if you don’t look after that, then enjoy a giant family of crabs living on your actual face in the immediate future - lucky you!