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People see bald men as being more masculine, intelligent, confident and taller

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Gary Ogden
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I fear going bald, which is why I regularly rub superglue into my scalp to stop my hair falling out – it’s working so far, although sometimes I can taste it in the top of my mouth, which is a tad worrying. But hey, you’ve gotta go that extra mile to keep your sweet, sweet mop.

Unfortunately, some people have not yet discovered the wonders of Loctite head-rubs, so they end up losing their hair. It’s something that most men dread, which is why the ‘balding’ industry (which I guess is a thing) is thriving so much.

BUT. GUYS. IT’S NOT THAT BAD.

It turns out that there are many many upsides to having a smooth scalp. You can paint it orange and hide from the rozzers in pumpkin patches; you can sharpen it into a corkscrew and drill through the ground like those things in Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles; you can slice thin segments from it and fry them in garlic to make a lovely crisp for your next dinner party; and according to research done in the journal of Social Psychological and Personality Science, it makes you appear more intelligent and masculine.

Albert E. Mannes carried out a survey in his paper Shorn Scalps and Perceptions of Male Dominance, in which he gathered 59 participants and showed them pictures of men with hair, and then the same men with their hair digitally removed. Like, using Photoshop, presumably, not by using a high-powered laser to burn it off in real life.

The results are interesting, though – the men with the shiny bonces were perceived by participants as more dominant, masculine, confident and stronger than those with hair-brains. Weirdly, they were also perceived as being taller, even though they were clearly a whole mop shorter. Supposedly they had a whole extra inch of height in the minds of the ‘judges’.

Really though, it was sort of an all-or-nothing thing – those with fully bald heads were the top dog Billy bollocks, but those who were simply thinning, or had patches, were deemed less successful, dominant and attractive.

So, basically, if you see or feel it coming, shave it all off and you’ll be swimming in sports cars, money and mansions – or at least people will think you are.

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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