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Man tries to smuggle drugs into festival in the most outrageously disgusting way imaginable

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Gary Ogden
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A bloke tried to sneak drugs into a festival using Vegemite, his penis

Uh oh, you’re going to a festival, and you don’t know what to do with all your naughty illegal drugs. Do you stick ‘em in your ears? Up your bott-bott? In your mouth? Sellotaped to your forehead?

No, what you do, nowadays, is you coat them in Vegemite, and then you cling-film them to your dick. Apparently. That’s what you do, because a sock is so old-hat, granddad. Now it’s all about dicks, Vegemite-slathered dicks, big long meaty things covered in yeast extract - the exact type of thing that will never attract any sniffer dogs, not in a million years. That’s dogs that are specifically trained to use their highly-sensitive noses - noses that are, already, some of the strongest in the animal kingdom.

Nope, wrap a long sausage in pungent paste, strap some drugs to it, and stroll on in, incognito. Act casual, nobody will notice your spicy pill schlong. Your salty cock mule. Tangy illegal whopper. Dog-attracting bait-oak. 

I know that this is what to do nowadays, because this exact thing happened just this month, when a radical young entrepreneur with top-drawer ideas on innovation slapped a load of Vegemite on his MDMA pills and then whacked them around his hoover, before trying to enter Listen Out Festival in Melbourne, Australia.

Unfortunately for him, the sniffer dogs used their highly-sensitive noses to either find the pills, or find the Vegemite, and he was promptly reprimanded. 

My advice would be, if you’re going to wipe Vegemite on any part of your body, do it all over the part which is furthest away from the drugs. I mean, obviously, clearly don’t rub Vegemite over any part of your body - it’s weird and also a waste. Vegemite is amazing (and better than Marmite, “at” me), so you want to be eating it, not creaming your quivering knob with it.

Port Phillip Acting Inspector Stuart Bailey agrees, and said that Mr Willy Yeastington Esq. was one of 24 people caught trying to smuggle naughties into the festival. He said:

“We found several males had the drugs wrapped in plastic and wrapped around their penis,

“One smothered his MDMA in Vegemite believing the… dog would not be able to detect his drugs. Wrong!”

How embarrassing, the solemn punter picking his sticky pills out of some shrink wrap on his pole, right in front of the police. Did they let him in or send him home? Either way, he’s off on his travels with a greasy Veg-dick. Unless one of the dogs will lick it off for him? Who knows? 

I mean, even if he’d got away with it, he’d still have a matte layer of vegetable extract cemented onto his badger - what an uncomfortable day. The hot Australian sun, heating up his kielbasa, melting the incorrectly-used spread, transferring it to his balls, his thighs, creating the perfect environment for not only intense chafing, but also, and I’m not a doctor, surely a yeast infection, right?

This man did not think this through. 

Vegemite = in mouth. Vegemite ≠ on dick.

(Image: iStock)

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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