By Paddy Maddison
We meet some truly inspirational people at festivals.
The bloke who has drawn in a crowd of spectators as he climbs a tree, in a thong, after having consumed 24 warm cans of Carling. The girl who you’ve just watched for 15 minutes trying to call her mate on a pack of Marlboro Lights. The guy who has just accidentally stumbled into a poetry tent instead of the drum & bass tent but will be damned if that’s going to stop him doing a Bez dance in front of everyone for half an hour.
Conversely, there are those breeds of festivalgoer that exist solely to irritate people. They’re there every year, they’re present at every festival and you’ve definitely met all of them.
So with the season not far from over, let’s take a look at ten of the worst offenders.
The Uni Lads
These chaps are instantly recognisable by their uniform ‘short back and sides’ hair cuts, deep neck vests, and cries of things such as: “Hahaha! Darren, I’ve just been sick into my treble vodka Red Bull, wouldn’t it be absolute bants if Lee drank it?” No mate, on behalf of everyone apart from perhaps Darren, it absolutely would not.
This guy has devoted his entire life to attending every music festival, and he's forgotten to grow up in the process. He's 47, drives a camouflage camper van, calls people 'dude', and is confused as to why the rest of the Creamfields campsite aren't impressed by him blasting Steely Dan out of his door speakers at 7am on packing up day.
The Floaty New-Ager
She’s got a shop in Brighton that sells Tibetan singing bowls and unicorn feathers. She genuinely believes that headaches can be cured with a dried heather and hemp oil broth, and she’s going to chew your ear off about it. You’ve got a headache after listening to that. Well, luckily you know what to do now.
This girl has never been to a festival before but she has read the Cosmo magazine festival survival guide, and as such has rocked up decked out with brand new flowery wellies, a daisy chain in her hair and two bin liners full of wet wipes. However, come 3pm she’ll be sitting on the floor covered in mud and crying into a WKD because she fell out with her #bestie over whether to see Foals or Bastille.
The Human Centipede
You’re stood in a good spot, pint in hand, sun shining, favourite DJ playing, when all of a sudden a chain of 20 people all clutching onto each other’s T-shirts barge their way past you and snake all the way to the front. Now you’re in a bad spot and your pint is on the floor.
The Shoulder Sitter
We didn’t wait at the front of the crowd for an hour for you to climb up onto your boyfriend’s shoulders in front of us, blocking everyone’s view as he trembles, trying to stop his knees from buckling under your weight. No, in spite of what you might think we came to watch the Chemical Brothers, not your sweaty arse.
Inconsiderate Poi/Diablo Guy
Can you remember those levels on video games where you had to quickly run past a series of swinging obstacles, lest you be knocked to your certain death? Well that’s the environment that this one is determined to recreate for everybody when she’s flinging her stupid beanbags around next to a busy path. Bonus points if it’s fire Poi.
The Social Media Reporter
She’s the one who just watched the entire show through the screen of her iPhone and did a running commentary on Twitter. She doesn’t really look as if she’s enjoying the whole festival experience, but hey, as long as it makes a good photo for Instagram, right?
The Wristband Junkie
He thinks that his twenty plus, mouldy festival wristbands are demonstrating how much of a crazy, fun-loving, party animal he is and always has been. What they’re actually demonstrating is a very slender grasp on rudimentary personal hygiene.
The Attention Seeker
He was the class clown at school. He wound everyone at university up with his boorish antics. Then he got a job in recruitment but the women from his office don’t like going for drinks after work when he’s there. Now he’s at Glasto in a morph suit, waving a sex doll in the air and bumping into people on purpose.