The excitable commentators, the teeny-tweeny cheerleaders, the notion of a half-time show - the American sports rhetoric will never, ever gel with the wider world of football.
To highlight the myriad differences the sport holds either side of the Atlantic, the team of Bwin have created the European World Series Cup of Soccer - a grim vision of how European teams might look in the hands of American marketeers.
Every conceivable variation, from the Birmingham Villains to the Milan Snakes, makes us all the more grateful that we're stuck with our traditionalist view of the game. As far as we're concerned, the Americans can keep soccer.
For best results, read each of the following club names with your best US sports announcer voice.