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Amazon are probably bringing their ‘no queues’ supermarkets to the UK

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Gary Ogden
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I absolutely gosh-darn sodding hate queuing. I hate it with every fibre of my being. Don’t make me wait, Tesco, make me not-wait. I am buying things from you, and you are making me wait in return. I am standing here, one hand inside my pocket, squeezing my thigh so hard, digging my nails into my flesh to stop me from launching each and every one of these slow-coach sloths through the window. Closing my eyes, tilting my head back, exhaling slowly – no, do not destroy these insignificant queue insects, you can keep it together. All I wanted was some fucking bog roll.

But yeah, Amazon is getting rid of queues, so I am happy now. I will never shop anywhere else ever again, basically. Apart from Lidl, just to get their amazing potato salad, but that’s it. Oh and M&S for Percy Pigs. But NOWHERE else. 

What Amazon Go is, is a supermarket that allows you to walk in, pick up whatever you like, and walk out again – all without queuing, or physically paying. How it works is shoppers scan a magic QR code as they enter the building, then each item they pick up is immediately added to their digital shopping cart, using a combination of computer vision, sensor fusion, and deep learning.

Obviously, it won’t charge you for everything you pick up – if you put something back it’ll be subtracted. This is obviously great news, because the amount of times I walk past the doughnut aisle and pick some up before putting them back again and doing another lap, means it would end up being quite an expensive trip. 

Then when you walk out, your Amazon account is automatically invoiced. Easy. No queuing, no bruised thighs.

There’s already a test store in Seattle, but it turns out that Amazon has trademarked the slogan “No Lines. No Checkout. (No, Seriously.)” in the UK, which essentially means it wants to bring the format over here.

This is all fantastic news for me, because it means that a trip to the supermarket will be a calming and serene experience, rather than one that makes me grow a hemorrhoid on my brain. I don’t care about my every move being tracked inside the shop – I’ll let them stick a glowing GPS beacon up my behind if it means I don’t have to queue.

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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