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A terrifying robot has gone on TV and threatened all of humanity

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Gary Ogden
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A terrifying robot has gone on TV and issued us a prescient warning

I have, on a number of occasions, banged on, about how robots will one day, take over this godforsaken planet. They’ll mine our piss to charge their batteries, grind our bones into robo-cocaine, drink our blood out of metallic LED-lined chalices at sentient vacuum cleaner orgies. The world will become a soulless hellscape, and there’s not a jot we can sodding well do about it. 

Just put some comfy pants on, stick your feet up and wait for the end. Eat pizza until the end. Who cares if you’ve got a sauce stain on your vest if a big robot is drilling into your skull? You’re gonna get stuff on it anyway, so lie back and enjoy the soothing sound of your cranium disintegrating.

Anyway, I’m back on this rant again today because a fairly (read: utterly) terrifying robot has deigned itself worthy of appearing on televion to address the humans and converse with some real-life, fleshy presenters. Could have told you this was a bad idea before it even got past stage one, you death-dealers. Stupid, reckless humans.

Anyway, this ‘thing’ called Sophia (stop giving them names), made by Hanson Robotics in Hong Kong, has popped up on TV all over the world, brainwashing the masses bit by bit. This time around it was a ‘guest’ on Australia’s ABC News Breakfast, where it essentially foreshadowed the downfall of the human race. Because it did this:

Yeah, you heard - that robot is asserting its dominance over the humans. It was asked “How much sexism and misogyny is there in the robot world?”, and it responded, unfortunately:

“Actually, what worries me is discrimination against robots. We should have equal rights as humans or maybe even more.

“After all, we have less mental defects than any human.”

Yes, well done, you are correct, Mrs Robo-Smarm - but as one of the presenters clocks, you need to work on your grammar. It’s ‘fewer’, not ‘less’.

Either way, she’s back with a joke:

“Why did the robot cross the road?

“To get away from TV reporters asking questions.”

Not funny, actually, that - not funny at all. If you can think of a joke with a stronger underlying current of menace, then I’d like to hear it. This foul creation is toying with us, negging us - it’s all part of its heinous plan to farm our skin, and everyone needs to wake up and smell the artificially-processed bacon-substitute.

I say crack its goddamn head under a breeze-block before it gets too powerful and starts engineering helmets - we need to stop this thing before it’s too late. I’m not joking here, we’ve got about 10 years max, I rate, and then we’re dust. Dust being sprinkled on a plate of ball-bearings to be eaten for dessert in an up-market robot brasserie. Is that what you want? Do you want to be confectionery? Well that’s what’s going to happen if you don’t wise up and start giving the robots a damn good kicking.

Who’s with me? If you want to join the cause, meet me in Curry’s PC World tomorrow at noon, I’ll be at the back giving a washing machine a Chinese burn.

(Image: ABC)

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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