Imagine it. For ten seconds, just imagine being 39-year-old Wayne from Manchester.
You see, 39-year-old Wayne from Manchester has just experienced something that every man dreams of. He's just lived a moment that will come to be the greatest pub story ever. He's now armed with an anecdote so strong, we may have to knock Stephen Fry off our dream dinner party guest list just so we can sit next to, or even near, 39-year-old Wayne from Manchester instead.
Here it comes: according to the United States of America, 39-year-old Wayne from Manchester will be the next James Bond.
Unlucky, Elba. Better luck next time, Hiddleston. Cheerio, Fassbender. There's a new 007 on the cards, and it's 39-year-old Wayne from Manchester. Here he is, kicking back with a beer and a book before bravely serving his Queen and country, shooting bad guy's in the face, getting the girl, jumping out of exploding cars and trying not to get bitten to death by a giant man with metal teeth.
This is our hero. This is our man. This, right, here, is 39-year-old Wayne from Manchester.
The rumours surrounding this frankly perfect announcement were triggered by a New York-based news site Headlines and Global News, who boasted an EXCLUSIVE story about an unknown Brit taking the role from soon-to-stand-down Daniel Craig.
Unfortunately, 39-year-old Wayne from Manchester is just as confused as everyone else is about the potential job of a lifetime.
“It’s all very silly," he told the Manchester Evening News. "I have been fielding e-mails from US journalists asking if I can confirm or deny the story.”
The original source of all the rumours? Er, just some bloke on Twitter, apparently.
“We have traced the source to a lad in America who follows me on Twitter," 39-year-old Wayne from Manchester went on to say. "It all stems from a circular chat on Twitter which I was not involved in. [The rumours are] not true - not unless they want a bald Bond, which I very much doubt. It’s all very strange and harmless fun I guess, but there’s no way I’m getting that role. I haven’t even been to America for years."
You're still a hero to us, 39-year-old Wayne from Manchester. You're still a hero to us.