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A florist next to a park in London is selling sticks for a bargain £18

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Gary Ogden
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If you’re a fan of spending lots of money on things you can get for free, then prepare to take out your wallet and throw it in a blender, because have I got a bargain for you, Mr. Money Bags! At Botanique (Christ) in Stoke Newington (obviously), you can choose from a selection of sticks on which to spend your hard-earned cash, despite the shop being right next to a park, where, you know, you can get sticks.

Sticks grow outside in the wild, you see – you can pull them off trees, or if you’re lucky, find them on the floor. If all else fails you can steal them from dogs – they might chase you for a bit but they’re not gonna press charges or anything. However, if you think that picking something off the ground seems a bit too much like hard work, then you can just saunter into Botanique and fucking buy one, for £18.

“Excuse me, barkeep, I’m in the market for something quite expensive for what it is. I want something that I can find outside, but I want to pay for it inside.”

“Please elaborate, we have many items of that ilk in our boutique.”

“Erm, oh there’s one on the pavement just outside the shop. I want that, but not that one, another one. One I have to pay for.”

“Hmm, let me thinque. What about a stique? We have ones for 18 squid that you can buy.”

“This sounds great and worth it. Here’s £18.”

“It is. It is worth it. On your way out do you mind chucking me that stick on the floor outside? I’m gonna flog it for a pony I rate. See ya.”

“Sure, here you go! Here’s my credit card too – the pin’s written on the back.”

“Cheers mate. What a dique.”

Alice Howard from Botanique told The Standard: “These aren't just any sticks. Even our shop dogs Goose and Bertie know not to touch them. They look quite nice displayed on a wall if you're into that kind of thing, I have a fair few at home.

"We had some as a shop display in our other shop on Exmouth Market for a while and we sold plenty. Sadly I haven't made my display of them to show them in use at the Stoke Newington shop yet so now here I am defending my top dollar stick collection."

So basically, they’re special fancy ones that you can put on a wall, something which you cannot do with sticks that you’ve found in the park. They’ve also been sanded a bit, so there’s labour costs involved. 10/10 would buy.

Anyway, I’ve got to get off now, the air shop down the road closes in a bit.

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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