What makes you proud to be British?
Well, as we discovered at length in this article, it’s not owning a blue passport. Instead, it’s things like Gemma Collins falling through a hole at the Radio 1 Teen Awards, it’s Fergus Beeley’s stupendous road rage and it’s people tuning in to watch live footage of a puddle in Newcastle.
But we’ve got another one to add to that hallowed list.
Uber Eats contacted us to inform us about a buy one get one free offer which runs from Valentine’s Day until Sunday, apparently to encourage single people dreading the day to munch away at home with their best friend instead of being alone. Great, if you fancy that, fill your boots (and your stomachs) by accessing the deal through the app.
But the key piece of information that reached us was that, according to their stats, the most ordered food item on Valentine’s Day last year was a single doner kebab sandwich.
What an absolutely brilliant revelation.
What do we do when we’re sad and fed up and sat at home by ourselves on Valentine’s Day: mope around? Plan a diet to try and satisfy some mythical partner’s demands? Bury ourselves in work?
No. We order a bloody kebab to be delivered to our flat which we can devour, and remind ourselves that there is a love that transcends that between a human and another human: the love between a human and a beautiful, greasy meat dish.
Toussaint Wattinne, General Manager at Uber Eats says: “While many lovebirds will be out wining and dining on the 14th, this year we want to make the Valentine’s period all about celebrating friendship and love whether you’re in a relationship or not. So if you’re still holding out for your soulmate or simply want to show your friends how much you care, ditch the single doner kebab and enjoy two meals for the price of one with your bestie.”
Well, thanks Toussaint, thanks for the concern but actually, bugger getting your bestie over - just order that single doner kebab sandwich for yourself, and take the opportunity that Valentine’s Day provides to enjoy some true alone time between you and your kebab.
A kebab will never let you down. A kebab will never steal your girlfriend. A kebab will always be there for you.
Britain: you’re doing it right, and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.