The bees are dying, and this is bad, because bees are cool and also it will affect our food. So no longer will you be able to eat plates of bees or bowls of bees or pints of bees. Can’t have a bee carbonara, a bee lasagne, mushy bees, anything with vitamin bee in it, a cup of English breakfast bee, chickbees, bees, a bee or fucking I don’t know, baked beens or something.
But that’s not it – even if you don’t eat bees with/as your main meal, the bees dying will still mess up your favourite non-bee foods. These gifs, from noted beedophiles Fairmont, show just how drastically our food would be affected if all the bees buzzed off into the big hive in the sky. Hiven, you could call it.
First up, breakfast:
So what we’re missing here is: Almonds (granola), blueberries, coffee, orange juice, pumpkin seeds (granola), rapeseed (oil) spread, raspberries, strawberries, sunflower spread (oil) and seeds. That’s a lot, and they don’t even mention honey. You won’t be able to have honey either, because that’s what bees’ poo is made of.
The main reason for the loss of most of these items is that bees pollinate a load of stuff, like orange trees, blueberry crops and coffee plants. Taking away the bees will hugely lower the amount of plants shagging each other. Bees are the Tinder of the insect world.
Next up, lunch and dinner:
That’s: cucumbers, mustard, onions, peppers, potatoes, sesame seeds and tomatoes, all absent or significantly reduced. It’s all for the same reasons as breakfast – the plants that provide these vegetables are mostly pollinated by bees. Meat and dairy is also at risk, because cows eat things like alfalfa and clover, which are heavily pollinated by bees.
If we continue to poach bees and use their wings as cute earrings, we’re going to have to deal with not having gherkins in our Big Macs, and that’s not a world I want to live in. I’ll happily stop using bee stings as toothpicks if it means I can have a proper, milk-soaked burger for my dinner.
But what’s for dessert?
You can say goodbye to apples, blackberries, kiwi and pumpkins if you continue to drill for bees to power your tractors. Can you imagine not ever eating pumpkin again? Yes, you can, but Halloween would be ruined a bit, wouldn’t it? And you love Halloween, don’t you? Your giant bee costume last year was great, but you shouldn’t have made it out of actual bees.
So stop senselessly murdering bees, everyone. Increased use of pesticides and other factors have seen the bee population decrease by 50% in some European countries – that’s pretty drastic, if you ask me. I assume the “other factors” include that YouTube video I made: “The Bee Movie But Every Time They Say Bee I Kill A Bee.”