Hello and welcome to today’s episode of The British Public are Idiots and Keep Being Wrong About Stuff.
After last week’s pie-themed shitshow, in which we managed to vote cottage pie, fish pie and shepherd’s pie – three things that aren’t actually pies – as our top three (they’re not made of pastry), this week we’ve fucked about with pizza.
YouGov asked us for our favourite pizza toppings, and what did we go for? Mushroom. We voted for mushroom. As the best pizza topping that exists in the whole world. Mushroom.
You don’t need me to tell you that we’ve absolutely fucked this up, you already know that. It was immediately apparent as soon as you saw the word “mushroom” next to the words “best pizza topping”.
Mushroom is an average pizza topping – one that’s absolutely fine as long as you’ve got plenty of other nicer ones on there as well. It’s a perfectly solid way of beefing up your pizza without fucking about with the flavour too much – because mushrooms on pizza don’t taste of a lot, really. They’re overpowered by the cheese and the proper toppings.
I honestly can’t believe that any one person, when asked for their absolute favourite pizza topping, would answer mushroom. It’s no one’s actual favourite, surely? But then how has this vote happened? It’s not even a close result, either. They’ve won pretty convincingly. Here’s the full top 10:
- Mushrooms – 65%
- Onions – 62%
- Ham – 61%
- Peppers – 60%
- Pepperoni – 56%
- Chicken – 56%
- Tomato (as a topping) – 51%
- Bacon – 49%
- Sweetcorn – 42%
- Pineapple – 42%
Either the entire public has decided to collectively take the piss with this survey, or I’ve never met a normal human being in my life. I dunno which I’m more worried by, either. If it is all a conspiracy then this would have to be the most effectively this country has managed to work together on anything ever.
Mushroom and onion are both filler toppings – stuff chefs put on there to pad their pizzas out because they cost fuck all and make it look like they’ve been more generous – and we’ve all fallen for it.
Of that top five, pepperoni is the only one that genuinely belongs there. Maybe ham too as long as it’s fancy ham like prosciutto, which is a bit posh but also 10/10 on pizzas.
In this same pizza survey, by the way, YouGov also decided to get to the bottom of the whole pineapple on pizza debate, and the British public voted it A-OK. 53% of people were pro compared with 41% who were against it, with a few sitting on the fence.
Make sure to come back next week, when we vote for those apple chips as the best thing on the McDonald’s menu and say Ant is better than Dec.