Food & Drink

Tesco is axing a load of beer brands because of Brexit

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Gary Ogden
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The best two aisles in the supermarket are the cheese aisle and the booze aisle. I’ll admit it, I spend more time in the cheese aisle, but the booze one comes a close second, then I guess it’s the crisps one next. Fourth is probably wherever the Pot Noodles are and obviously I’m too scared to go into the condoms one, so that’s the worst.

Anyway, back to the beer aisle, specifically the one in Tesco – it’s all about to change. Thanks to that Brexit thing – which I think has something to do with forcibly sinking the UK into the sea – Tesco has decided to stop stocking a load of continental beers. 30 of them, in fact.

It’s pulling a load of beers and ciders that belong to Heineken in protest at supposed price-hikes that are resulting from “The Great Sinking”. Heineken owns Amstel, Tiger, Sol, Kingfisher, Kronenbourg and Fosters (plus loads more), so a nice chunk is getting yanked, screaming from the shelves.

Tesco is saying that it’s because it wants to focus more on selling interesting craft beers over your common-or-beer-garden varieties, but really, it’s because of Brexit, isn’t it? You all voted for it, some of you definitely while holding a can of Heineken, and now your beer is getting taken away from you. Heineken announced that as a result of “Project Submerge” it’d be kicking up the price of a pint by 6p, which comes out at quite a lot if you have 100 pints on a Saturday.

This isn’t the first time that Tesco has thrown its products out the trolley because of Brexit. Back in October they hauled Marmite from the shelves (good, because *controversial statement incoming* Vegemite is better) in response to rising prices from Unilever. It was all resolved eventually though, and customers could resume loving or hating as they walked down the “Yeast” aisle.

So yeah, hopefully it will all get sorted, and the shelves will be restocked in no time. Until then, why not head down and try one of those craft beers Tesco are banging on about, whatever they are. 

Also, just thinking – how good of an excuse is “Because of Brexit”? I’m going to start using it for everything:

“Why are you late for work?”

“Because of Brexit.”

“Why have you wet yourself?”

“Because of Brexit.”

“Daddy, why do we have gills?”

“Because of Brexit.”

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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