Lovely old Richard Osman that everyone loves because he’s lovely, has done a lovely thing. What he’s done is get on Twitter in the run-up to Red Nose Day to do a big World Cup Of Biscuits – so he’s naming a load of biscuits and asking his followers to choose their favourite. Heats turn into quarter finals, then semi finals, then a chewy, crumbly final. It’s all very exciting.
HOW. EV. ER. He has done something a tad foolish today – he has made a classic British mistake and it has angered the internet greatly. Not even just a mistake, in fact. You could even call it a crime. He has waded into the most vicious, bloodthirsty debate this island nation has ever entertained, and he’s come down firmly on one side of it.
Yep, that’s right, he’s only bloody gone and said that Jaffa Cakes are biscuits.
Now, I, for one, could not give two flaming shits about whether a Jaffa Cake is a cake or a biscuit – all I care about is how many I can fit in my mouth in one go (must remember to pitch that). The internet, on the other hand, has collectively done two shits, soaked them in gasoline, set fire to them and then given them. Do not test the internet – you’ll regret it.
How do I know that the internet is angry? Because it is tweeting. Look:
Jaffa Cake tests positive for being a cake.— Lillian Thompson🇪🇺 #FBPE (@MarkDonTurner) March 23, 2017
Really needs to be re-termed the World Cup of Biscuits and Biscuit-like Cakes 2017— "Muppet" is not an insult (@GrahamMoonieD) March 23, 2017
Jaffa cake! ludicrous! from QI - "if it goes soft when off it's a biscuit, if it goes hard when off it's a cake"!— Mike Rice (@MichaelJRic) March 23, 2017
Would have voted for Jaffa Cake but this isn't the World Cup of Controversial Cakes— Indie(go) (@indigobluesand) March 23, 2017
Of course, not everyone is furious. Some people are confused, or even inspired:
a controversial group filled with people who vote for Jaffa cakes and those who voted for it to annoy people.— David Charlesworth (@Astralfury) March 23, 2017
Jaffa Cakes are the best thing here but my principles won't allow me to vote for it.— Gareth J Stockbridge (@GJStockbridge) March 23, 2017
Thankfully, Osman had addressed the controversy:
And owing to his fondness for polls, he’s even opened it out to the public; which at the time of writing, and in-keeping with Osman’s day job, has had an entirely pointless effect:
Still, amongst the crumb-filled furore, I think the most enlightening tweet is this:
had pregnancy craving for sand. Crushed up packets of malted milk with salt into bags and ate by the handful.— Sarah (@buttonfantastic) March 23, 2017
I’m WAY more interested in crushing up biscuits, mixing them with salt and hoovering them into my giant mouth than whether something is a cake or not.
Saying all that, there is one thing I have an issue with concerning this so-called “list”. What on God’s green arsehole is a Lemon Puff?